EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Middle Years (7-12)
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Nine-year-old Brianna Sharp has always been a shy child, an inherited trait according to her mom, Shannon. The fourth-grader often avoids schoolyard activities because of the other children involved, and prefers to limit activities to those she shares with her two best friends. When there was a coaching change mid-season, she dropped out of her second year of swimming because the new coach didn't have the same soft-spoken personality as her predecessor. She has returned to play basketball for four years running, in part, says her mom, because her dad is the coach. "I don't think she's missing out on anything at this point in her life," says Shannon. "She's old enough to choose the extracurricular activities she wants to try. She just needs a lot of encouragement and it definitely helps if we're involved." Whether you would call Brianna shy or reluctant, she's not alone in her hesitancy to participate in activities on her own. For some children, this tendency is passed down from parent to child through genetics, while for others it can be passed along by a parent's unwitting actions. "Parents who haven't encouraged a lot of independent activities, or who always tend to hover over their kids when they are involved, aren't giving them an opportunity to learn confidence," says Dr. Phil Oncley, a licensed clinical psychologist in Newport Beach. Parents might be worried about leaving their kids alone at sports practice, club meetings, or other after- school activities, but once you've determined it's a safe atmosphere, these can be the perfect situations to help kids develop feelings of independence and confidence, and overcome reluctance. Of course, it's not a cut-and-dried situation since every child is different. If you've never left your child with a sitter, or you're taking them to a new dance class, it will be more difficult. But by age of 7, parents can expect their kids to start feeling comfortable going to a routine practice on their own, says Dr. Oncley. Here are a few of his ideas for helping children AND parents adapt to new activities smoothly and comfortably. Stretch it out One way to slowly get your child comfortable with the thought of being on his own is to start with a short absence and slowly extend it. For example, at your son's one-hour Little League practice, step away to the restroom for 10 minutes. At the next practice, tell him you need to run a short errand. Eventually, you should be able to stay away for the duration of the practice without your son being upset. "If you leave a child and they're a little tearful, usually they're fine within a few minutes," assures Dr. Oncley. "Sometimes parents stick around because it's too upsetting to them to see their child upset. They think it's going to ruin their kid but actually it's the opposite - the child needs to learn how to deal with their feelings and overcome them." Chat about it Another way to help your child become comfortable with new experiences is to talk about it with them - just remember to let them do the talking. Start by asking them what they're worried about and encourage them to share their fears and feelings. "When you hear what's bothering him validate his emotion and validate that it is uncomfortable, without jumping into the problem-solving approach," advises Dr. Oncley. He suggests asking your child to think about other situations when he felt uncomfortable and things still turned out all right. It's also important to help your child come up with his own plan of action for dealing with current apprehensions. Ask him something like, "What would be a way for us to start doing this that would make you feel comfortable?" Involve others Sometimes all it takes for a child to feel comfortable in a new situation is a friend. Look for another child who's more confident and adventurous to pair your child with, offers Dr. Oncley. Likewise, look for other parents who you can team up with to take turns staying at a practice. Surrogate parents can dilute a child's dependency as well. In a situation involving a sport your child likes, but is reluctant to play, consider involving the coach in your dilemma. A good coach will be on your side and want to help the child. Some children will eventually outgrow their shyness and reluctance, but most won't get far without parental support, says Dr. Oncley. "Social challenges only increase in the teen years and we all know how critical that time can be. By encouraging them now what you're really doing is investing in their future." Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor. |
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