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My 2 1/2-year-old son Jack is an active little boy. He loves to jump on the trampoline, play with Thomas the Train, and suck on his binky at nap time, bedtime and every other waking moment if we’d let him. As a third child, and the only one who’s formed an attachment to his pacifier, I never really considered it an issue. But according to some professionals, I’ve missed the binky bubble. Binkies, like blankets and teddy bears, are referred to by many professionals as transitional items. Some babies are drawn to these things as early as 6 months of age, while others never seem to develop an attachment to anything in particular. It’s just a matter of personality, says Mark L. Brenner, a marriage and family therapist and author of items some babies select themselves as early as 6 months of age, (“Pacifiers, Blankets, Bottles, and Thumbs,” Fireside 2004). “A transitional object can help bridge many of the divides in life and reduce anxieties,” says Brenner. “They are healthy so long as they are not substitutes for when a child needs to interact with people.” But unlike some of the other transitional items a child might choose, pacifiers should be eliminated by around 18 months of age, advises Brenner. “This does not mean that if you allow your child to continue past that point that you are doing damage. You are not. However, if you want to encourage more big boy behavior, it’s best to begin stopping then.” Jack is already limited to using his binky only when he’s resting in his crib, and he’s quickly adjusted to this rule. (Being as active as he is, it was obviously a safety hazard to have it in his mouth while he was running around playing.) However, I’ve already been warned that the longer we wait, the more anger and resistance we can expect from Jack when we finally do announce the departure of the binky. If the clock is ticking toward the time when you should be saying goodbye to your child’s pacifier, here are tips from Brenner to help you along. Start the countdown One of the ways Brenner suggests getting rid of a child’s pacifier is by giving him a 3-day warning and following through. He suggests a conversation like this. “Jack, I can see how you want to do a lot of things that make you older. That’s a good idea. I can see you are ready to start. In three days it will be time to say goodbye to all your pacifiers. In three days it will be time to stop using all of them. I know you understand. We will do this together.” Wait to see if your child reacts to the news, before you say anything else, says Brenner. Then if he expresses himself, reflect or rephrase his comments in an empathetic manner. Most importantly, follow through as planned. Cut it off, literally Another suggestion Brenner offers is to cut the pacifier’s nipple in a jagged, rough style, (when your child’s not looking) and then show him the damaged mouthpiece. Explain that the damaged pacifier is too dangerous to keep and that the others are in fact dangerous too. Brenner says it’s important to show genuine concern about the state of the pacifier and encourage the child to throw it away himself. If the child demands a new pacifier, instead tell him it’s time to buy a cup and he can pick it out himself. Just be careful not to personalize your statement by saying that it’s time for him specifically to have a new cup, because this can be interpreted as a challenge. “Be firm, but understanding,” says Brenner. “This will take many rounds.” Communicate your confidence Offer your child plenty of sincere encouragement in his endeavor to conform to new behavior, says Brenner. Comments like, “I know you can do this” will reflect your confidence in your child. Additionally, an honest summary of your child’s feelings such as, “You don’t like it that you don’t have your pacifier. You’re angry at me for not finding you another one. Sometimes it’s hard to stop crying,” will not only help your child overcome the challenge of relinquishing his pacifier, but can help cement your long-term relationship with him as well. “Trust and empathy are the cornerstones in building up the parent-child relationship,” says Brenner. “But this style of communication is not a one-time way of talking. It must be part of your permanent repertoire!” What not to do No matter which suggestions you may choose to try with your child, Brenner says there are two scenarios that parents should never try when it comes to any type of transitional item. Don’t use it for punishment or reward, and don’t humiliate or degrade a child for wanting it. Hopefully these suggestions will help you and your toddler say bye-bye to binky. After writing this, I know it’s a message that will soon be echoing throughout our house. Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. For Letters: ocfamily.com |
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