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Early Years (2-6)

Toned down Getting your child's attention, quietly. By Lisa AlvarezPublished: March, 2007

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I'm in the kitchen. One floor below me, my 4 1/2-year-old plays in his room. His increasing independence is something I couldn't have imagined nearly three years ago when we first moved into this eccentric multi-storied birthday cake of a house. Back then, we were tethered to one another. Now, it seems, I can cook dinner or work in my home office one floor up or down while he happily occupies himself, often for 30 minutes or more, in his room or on the landing or in the play corner of the living room.  Then, suddenly, he needs me. I hear his voice but, because of the distance, I cannot quite make out his words. From the tone I can tell that there is no danger, so I wait. He knows - or is beginning to know - the rules: Don't yell. Walk to where the parent is and then speak in a normal voice. Save the high volume - the yelling - for emergencies.  Soon enough, he yells again. And again. And again. My patience evaporates. In the kitchen, slightly overheated by the stove and the warm dishwater, feeling put-upon and overwhelmed, I finally respond, issuing a scream that thunders down the stairs and into his room: "How many times have I told you not to yell!"  My voice ends in a kind of out-of-control trill that frightens me in different ways than it does my child. I don't know how to punctuate it here, with a question mark (useless) or an exclamation (too harsh, and useless). And I don't have to look at his face or even feel the sudden silence to know that what I have done wrong is worse than his own efforts at getting my attention.  My voice, after all, is louder. I am bigger, older. I am his parent. I should know better than to yell about yelling, shouldn't I? The irony is not lost on me. Moments like these make me wonder if I am becoming the parent I always said I wouldn't be.  My self-control - like my child's - needs regular tune-ups - but I also need to rely on alternative strategies.  Sometimes I do need to get my child's attention. Sometimes the first tool I reach for, perhaps the easiest - is the loudest one. What else is there? This is a real question. I answer it myself. Lots, beginning with the Deep Breath. You know the one. It's right there next to Count to 10. And, Think Before You Act - or in some cases: Think Before You Scream.  Just as we spend much of our parenting teaching our child - it's clear that we also need to concentrate on teaching ourselves how to parent. It's not enough to have grown up. It's not enough to have had a childhood ourselves. Or maybe it's too much.  My mother yelled. Not rarely, but daily. Routinely. And plenty loud. Now I think that her high-decibel parenting style (not to dignify it, no, not really anything stylish there) was not because she had five incorrigible daughters but because my mother felt helpless. The scary screaming was a way of creating a sense of power, however temporary - plus she yelled because she likely didn't know what else to do. But this strategy wasn't truly effective. Neither in the short or long term. Like my own son, we daughters fell silent - out of fear, not understanding or respect. What my mother may have gained in the short term - briefly compliant quiet daughters for an evening or afternoon - cost her and us dearly later on.  These days, nearly 50 years after my own childhood and almost 60 after my mother first became a parent, experts caution us against yelling at our children. They advise that such behavior on our part sends mixed messages to our children and can damage our relationships - and, yes, that precious commodity, our children's self-esteem.  So, yes, alternative strategies: When you feel like cranking up the volume, (or perhaps after you have) instead reach for vocabulary: share feelings, make requests. In other words, do what we often tell our children to do: use your words: I am feeling frustrated because you don't remember what we've discussed before. I wonder how we can solve this? What can we do to help you listen?  Become the role model who uses words - and not volume. Volume might create immediate results but words perhaps create lasting ones even if we have to wait a little longer.  Lower the volume. This can also relieve your inner tension instead of heightening it. Even if others have raised their voices, consciously lower - and slow - yours. In order to hear you, they must quiet down.  Remember the gold - or, create a secret sign. Once after a heated exchange over something I can no longer remember, both my son and I were near tears. "How can we not do this again?" I asked him. "How can we remember that we love each other and don't want to yell at each other?"  My son came up with a solution. He took a gold doubloon (in reality a token from a game arcade) and held it in front of me as if indeed it was a great treasure. "This will help us remember," he said. He carefully placed it in his treasure chest (in reality a jewelry box bought at a thrift store). Now, when we have a dispute, and our voices begin to rise - one of us - sometimes me, most often him - will grow solemn and say, "Remember the gold." It might take a deep sigh and a somewhat reluctant relinquishing of pride or hurt feelings on one part or another or both - but the gold, we find, is worth it, after all. Lisa Alvarez is a regular contributor.

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