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When to tune in and when to tune out We can work outside the home, we can vote, we can even run for president, but we moms can’t seem to emancipate ourselves from feelings of guilt when it comes to our children. It seems there’s no end to the self-inflicted suffering as we fret over everything from what our kids eat to how they play in the sandbox. Somehow their shortcomings are always linked to our perceived failings as mothers. The mental and physical exhaustion of having a child, even the physical ramifications of pregnancy and childbirth, fade with time, but once mommy guilt sets in sometime near conception, it persists well after our babies leave the nest. What’s the worry about and how do we rid ourselves of its crippling effects? That’s the task the writers (Devra Renner, Julie Bort and Aviva Pflock) of “Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids” set out to answer. Through their own experiences as wives and mothers and by interviewing hundreds of other moms, they developed a series of seven guilt-free principles to help moms dislodge the monkey on their back. Guilt in and of itself is not a bad thing; in fact, it’s intended to be our internal compass’s way of steering us back on the straight and narrow. When you’re a mom, however, it seems your conscience triggers guilt at every turn. That’s why it’s important to learn when to tune in and when to tune out that little voice inside your head. “Mommy Guilt” is worth reading cover to cover whether you’re a first-timer or have a bevy of kids at home. For purposes of simplification, I’ve synthesized the “principles” into three reminders that should help steer moms away from the abyss of guilt. Trash your supermom suit Is it our culture or our genes that trigger a reaction in moms to try to do it all? Who knows? What’s certain is that suiting up in your superwoman get-up is one sure way to fail on all accounts. We may be moms, but we’re also human beings who have limits on what we can and should do, even when it comes to our precious children. The next time you find yourself adding another and then another responsibility to your to-do list, stop and think. What toll is it going to have on you and your family to chair another charity event and agree to bake 300 brownies for the PTA? If it’s something you feel passionately about, you don’t have to give it up in order to do laundry and dirty dishes. Just understand that you have limits. Prioritize the things that add to your joy and satisfaction – and remember, when you’re stretched too thin, nothing seems worthwhile. Stick to the basics when it comes to caring for your children. Are they eating, are they sleeping, are they relatively happy and well adjusted? If your answer is “yes,” then give yourself a gold star. You don’t have to wear a flowing red cape and leap tall buildings in a single bound to be an incredible mom. Just do what comes naturally and love your kids – leave the superhero stuff to those plastic guys in the toy box. Stop comparing notes The old adage, a mother’s work is never done, rings especially true when you consider the cyclical nature of housework and childcare. No matter how great we are at what we do, there’s a steady stream of meals to be cooked, diapers to be changed and laundry to be washed. Unlike work outside the home, there are few benchmarks and “atta” girls to help us achieve a sense of accomplishment. Maybe that’s why moms take to comparing notes about their children. At parks, soccer fields and play dates all across the Southland, we sneak in seemingly innocent questions about milestones and broccoli in the hopes that our stories of success will trump the next mom’s. Occasionally, it works in your favor and you return home with a feather in your cap. On the other hand, what if her 2-year-old walked at 9 months, loves brussels sprouts and can read at a third-grade level – how are you going to trump that? Silence the need to compete with other moms. It’s a double-edged sword that can trigger massive amounts of guilt; plus, it keeps you from drawing comfort from moms who are most surely in a similar boat. Don’t sweat the small stuff Do yourself a favor and focus on the big picture. If you expect to maintain a perpetually spotless home, cook gourmet meals every night, and look stylish and composed at every turn, it’s time for a reality check. June Cleaver was a character on television, not a real-life mother faced with juggling housework, childcare, shopping, bills…. Unless your house is a Hazmat zone, trade the extra time you’d spend obsessing over cleanliness to read to your children, sing songs or go for a walk in the park. The dirty dishes can wait patiently in the sink, but your child needs your attention now. Turn your focus on him for 10 minutes and “Mommy Guilt” authors “…guarantee that you will feel better…your child will stop whining, you will get everything done, and, quite probably, you will have engaged in the best moment of your entire day.” Children grow up right before our eyes; that’s why it’s so important not to waste time fretting over things that don’t really matter. When feelings of guilt creep in, ask yourself if they’re warranted. If not, drown them out with the joy of knowing you’re not just a good mom, you’re a magnificent woman. S. Danyelle Knight is a regular contributor to OC Family Magazine. For Letters: ocfamily.com and click on Feedback. |
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