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Time for Two

Space is good By Dr. Stephanie BuehlerPublished: July, 2009

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You’ve seen them. Couples glued at the hip. One can’t go anywhere without the other. You’re certain that if one dies, the other will go the next day. They order the same food. They wear the same polo shirts and boat shoes. Like conjoined twins, they are seemingly inseparable. Okay, maybe you’re not quite that extreme. But you feel that way sometimes. You and your partner both take the kids everywhere. You both give the kids their baths. You can’t make spaghetti without your spouse making the salad. For a weekend, a week, maybe longer, your relationship feels like bliss. Then, suddenly, you’re on each other’s nerves, hissing and yowling like two cats fighting over a freshly opened can of tuna.     What gives? In layperson’s lingo, it’s called “smothering.” In psychobabble, it’s “enmeshment.” Whatever it is, it happens when one partner gives up too much of herself in order to stay as closely attached as possible to a partner. Think about it: You have to learn how not to complain, groan or mumble under your breath about anything your partner says, does or intends.     The payoff is, of course, that you get the same treatment in return. And so you feel encased in a bubble of safety, when all the while your relationship is becoming a ticking time bomb. It’s true: As your own resentments are building up, so are your partner’s.     On the other hand, being completely independent isn’t much fun, either. What’s the point of being married if you lead completely separate lives? Somehow, there must be a balance between togetherness and separation.     And there is. It’s called knowing yourself. Because when you know yourself, you can communicate your needs to your partner. You can tell your partner when to come close and when to (nicely) go away. You can let your partner know you want time alone in the kitchen, or that you want to take a nap while he bathes the kids, or that you want to visit with friends while they watch the game.     Yes, you’re partner might come a little, well, unglued when you first assert your independence. But just as the Brits accepted American independence, your partner will eventually settle down and even see the advantages of regulating how much physical and emotional closeness or distance you have in your relationship at any one time. Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a psychologist, sex therapist and relationship expert. She is director of the Buehler Institute, in Irvine. thebuehlerinstitute.com TOGETHER, YET APART Perhaps the best expression of how couples can be stronger when they are independent of one another comes from author Khalil Gibran.     “Let there be spaces in your togetherness ... Love one another, but make not a bond of love ... Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone ... And stand together yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

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