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Time for Two

Moms and 'desire' By Dr. Stephanie BuehlerPublished: May, 2009

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Does motherhood dampen desire? Yes, but the long answer is not simple. Motherhood brings about many changes into a woman’s life. It doesn’t just involve giving care; it also involves setting examples. Ideally, a mother lives her life in a way that her children will want to emulate. Since good role models for healthy sexuality for mothers don’t really exist, there is a lot of confusion about sex when a woman takes on this role.     The duties of motherhood are anything but sexy. Diapering and wiping away spit-up are not aphrodisiacs. Even when children are older, helping with math problems and rooting at soccer matches aren’t going to light anyone’s fire. And the rounds of laundry, kitchen patrol and carpooling also dampen one’s ardor.     While many couples enjoy a good intimate relationship during pregnancy, some do not. The pregnant mother may not feel well, and the spouse may find intimacy with a pregnant woman difficult.     Postpartum depression (PPD) is also very common, affecting approximately 15 to 20 percent of women. While the blues resolve within a few weeks for the majority of women, for others it requires more time and perhaps medicine and psychotherapy.     Women may feel guilty for not being the ideal mother – let alone the ideal spouse – at this time. The focus is on bonding with the baby. The deal with Dad has already been sealed, goes the emotional reasoning. There’s no reason to attend to him now.     But that’s a mistake. Clinically, a surprising number of couples come in for help years after the children have been born, but point back to the time after pregnancy as the downward turning point for their relationship. Not only do spouses have needs, women do, too – and these needs are neglected to the detriment of the marriage.     Remedying this common complaint of low drive, especially when children are young, isn’t easy. However, one way to address the problem is to simply talk frankly and openly about it with one’s partner. A second way is to acknowledge that although the old fires have cooled to embers, there is still warmth and perhaps a way to ignite the embers back into flames. Planning, asking for what one wants and needs, and making sure to take good care of one’s self physically and emotionally can help raise energy and interest. Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a psychologist, sex therapist and relationship expert. She is director of the Buehler Institute, in Irvine. •> TEAMWORK      When he helps One study suggests that in families in which the male partner is helpful around the house, there is more intimacy. > Ask your partner to bathe the children while you nap for 30 minutes. > Let your mate know how good he looks in an apron. He may don it more often and help with the meal preparation. > Let Dad be the primary parent for a few hours on the weekend so you can recharge your battery.

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