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Time for Two

Spice things up By Dr. Stephanie BuehlerPublished: September, 2009

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If you’ve been married long enough, it will happen eventually. Your marriage will seem as exciting as a box of stale cereal. You’ll wonder where the zest has gone. You may even wonder if boredom means it’s time to move on because there’s nothing left in this dull, repetitive, worn-out relationship.     What are the symptoms of a tired marriage? You might feel disconnected and lonely. Or perhaps you just feel somewhat annoyed every time you’re around your spouse. When you find yourselves with time on your hands, you find other things to do instead of hanging out together. And when you are forced to be together, you have little to talk about.     When a marriage feels stale, it’s usually because one or both of you has stopped putting energy into the relationship. Goodness knows there are any number of distractions that take attention away: children, household tasks, in-laws, birthdays, holidays, doctor’s appointments and so on. Or it may be that someone has been holding a grudge and has emotionally distanced him- or herself, then never made the effort to either talk about it or forget it and reconnect.     There are tried-and-true ways to put energy back into the marriage, but the first step, as always, is communication. Sit down with your partner and, without blame, share your observations and feelings about the current “state of the union.” Explain that it’s time for a five-point tune-up to put some life back into the old engine: > Notice each other. Give each other compliments and positive feedback throughout the day. Call each other just to check in at least once a day. > Make an effort to be affectionate. You don’t need to give each other huge bear hugs. A kiss hello and good-bye, little touches on the arm as you pass by, or holding hands when you walk around the mall definitely count. > Converse. Set aside 20 minutes a day, every day, for the two of you to spend some time talking about your day. Don’t just vent; think of something funny or interesting that you think would amuse your partner. > Dream. Once a month, set aside a few hours to talk about the goals that you set at the beginning of the year. (You did do that, didn’t you? If not, today is a good time to start.) > Speaking of getaways, get away! Plan date nights that you’ll both enjoy together. Once in a while, get the grandparents on board or trade favors with friends so that you can leave the kids behind and really get away for a weekend. Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a psychologist, sex therapist and relationship expert. She is director of the Buehler Institute, in Irvine. DATE YOUR MATE Get out of your rut and treat your spouse like a date. Here are a few ideas that are guaranteed to make your time together fun: > Plan an indoor picnic. Add some wine, roses and mood music. > Bowl at midnight. You’d do it if you were a teenager, so why not now? > Have a tech-free night.  Turn off the cell phones and T.V. and tune in to each other. Talk! > Act like tourists.  Discover something new together: a new museum, a great cafe or a quaint bookstore. > Take dance lessons  Learning to do, let's say, the salsa will definitely add fun energy to your relationship. > Take a hike! We mean that literally. Getting out in nature is a great way to hit the “reset button.”

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