October is the month for masks and hiding true identities. We all wear masks much of the time. The social masks we wear as adults have a purpose. If no one knows who we truly are, we’re less likely to be hurt or ridiculed.
The masks we wear as a parent, neighbor or worker show the world that we know how to behave under certain social circumstances. No sense in letting coworkers know what a sentimental drip you are at movies, or letting your kids know that while on the outside you’re calm and collected, on the inside you’re boiling mad.
But wearing a mask can also work against you, especially in an intimate relationship. A mask prevents your partner from getting to know you on a deeper level. It can make you feel distant, though you may never know why. It makes sense that you would want to shield yourself from rejection. On the other hand, it also shields you from one of the greatest joys – being yourself and letting someone get to know what makes you tick.
Why we sometimes hide
Sometimes women get so into the role of mother that they forget to unmask and become the lover. Or, sadly, sometimes a person has been so harmed by childhood experiences that they only masquerade as a full, loving partner. And what about the person who wears the mask of passive acceptance just to avoid conflict?
It’s a true risk to bare your soul to your partner; but you shouldn’t need so many fig leaves to cover up. In becoming open, you get to know yourself, too. You’ll also generate trust, overcome fears about getting close and quit worrying about being judged. You may also find you have more in common with your partner than you ever thought. Best of all, the more you let yourself peep out from behind your mask, the closer your relationship and the less you concern yourself with the loss of face that comes when you risk loving deeply.
Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist and relationship expert. thebuehlerinstitute.com
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