Is your intimate relationship a sparkling meteor shower or a lava lamp going nowhere? In an intimate relationship, you share thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with someone because of the trust you’ve built. Intimate couples understand each other and use that knowledge to deepen their bond. Without intimacy, a person may complain of feeling lonely, stale in a relationship, distant or sad.
   
Intimate couples have a feeling of oneness. They work together to maintain their relationship, appreciating the joys and tolerating obligations. A couple that shares real intimacy will give each other permission to be themselves. Intimacy isn’t smothering. It means understanding that each person may treasure closeness, yet has his own goals and dreams for which he wants support.  

How to get more intimate
Many couples say they were intimate in the beginning of their relationship, but lost that connection along the way. Once you become familiar with one another, you may take intimacy for granted. You assume you already know all you need to know about your partner.  

But sharing hopes and dreams is as important as making kids’ lunches. Take time to get in touch with what you want and need, and encourage your mate to do the same.

> Make a pot of coffee or sit down with a glass of wine, and share. Whether you’re delighted (you both want a new house) or challenged (your partner wants to go back to school), just listen and support each other.  
> Develop common goals and interests. Doing so ensures you’ll stay close, despite change. If your family life changes in some way, or if you simply are a different person now, having some enduring, mutual interests can keep your intimate relationship relevant and meaningful.
> Keep a separate life. Don’t just stay in the role of parent, spouse or worker. Want to take a class in belly dancing? Go for it. Want to start your own blog? Do it. Maintaining your own life keeps things spicy, not just for you, but for your relationship. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Now you’ll be able to regenerate some of that novelty and excitement when you sit down to dinner, just the two of you.
   
If you want to have passion in your relationship, intimacy is key. Working on a marriage doesn’t have to be painful. Sharing different parts of who you are with your mate can be a fulfilling way to experience the joy that marriage promises.

DR. STEPHANIE BUEHLER is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist and relationship expert. She is director of the Buehler Institute in Irvine. Learn more at thebuehlerinstitute.com.


Do it together!
7 great hobbies for couples

> Cooking classes
> Golfing
> Dance lessons
> Bike riding
> Tour model homes
> Wine tasting
> Local sporting events