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Time for Two

Nag, avoid, nag How to stop a frustrating pattern of communication. By Dr. Stephanie BuehlerPublished: September, 2008

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It happens every Tuesday night, so on target that the kids know to skedaddle to their rooms right after dinner: Mom: Frank, it's Tuesday.  Take out the trash! Dad: Okay… Mom: Frank, did you take out the trash? Dad: Not yet.  I'm watching TV.  I'll get to it…. Mom: Frank, you never take out the trash! Dad: What's this 'never' stuff?  Doesn't it go out every Tuesday? Mom: But I need you to take out the trash now! Dad: Why?  Is it going to run away? Mom: You are just impossible!  All right, if you're not going to help, mister, I'll do it myself!     Is this dialogue (let's not give it the status of a conversation) familiar to you? One person nags, the other avoids, and the ending is never pretty. The nagging/avoiding communication pattern creates constant tension between partners. It often occurs over things seemingly small, like taking out the trash, but underneath there is usually a jumbo history of hurt and misunderstanding.      While nagging and avoiding seem like opposite behaviors, they signal the same thing: poor communication. For instance, naggers tend to: • Use a critical tone of voice • Fail to make eye contact when asking for help • Blame their partner when things don't get done • Have a pessimistic attitude about gaining their partner's cooperation • Make threats and ultimatums that don't get the result they want Avoiders tend to: • Fail to hear their partner's frustrated emotions • Discount the importance of the task • See their partner as a parent • Ignore the effect their behavior has on someone else • Deny that they are doing anything annoying Stopping the pattern won't happen overnight, but the effort will be worth it. Tips for naggers: • Be assertive, rather than aggressive • Avoid being critical and using phrases like "You always" or "You never" • Focus on the behavior, not the attitude, and just be thankful that the task is done • Express appreciation whenever your partner helps you out • Don't do the chores for your partner • Don't criticize the way your partner does the chores. Tips for avoiders: • Understand why you react to requests for help as you do • Take partial responsibility for evoking your partner's nagging • Communicate clearly about when you plan to comply • Respect your partner's need for help • If you really don't intend to do what your partner has asked, just say no – it's less likely to lead to a fight than when you agree to do something and then don't follow through. Above all, both of you need to agree to nip the pattern in the bud as soon as it appears. Better to take a time out than to get into it again. And who knows? You may have the kind of home again where your children don't hide in their rooms after dinner.   Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist and relationship expert. She is director of the Buehler Institute in Irvine. Learn more at thebuehlerinstitute.com. Pretty please! 7 Top Honey-Dos 1. Clean toilets 2. Vacuum 3. Laundry 4. Yard work 5. Handyman-ish stuff 6. Bring home dinner 7. Walk the dog

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