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 Buck up! Many relationships can be fixed, as long as what’s dragging yours down isn’t a deal breaker. (For several examples of deal breakers, see the sidebar, below.) If your issue is a deal breaker, you need professional help – fast. But, if your problem is a common one, it does no good to stew. You either need an attitude adjustment, or you need to take action. An attitude adjustment is in order when something about your partner simply bugs or disappoints you. If you’re bothered by the fact that your husband notoriously forgets to run the dishwasher or copes with stress by eating ice cream every night when he needs to lose 10 pounds, you need to change your perspective. Use this mantra: “All people are annoying sometimes, even me. Let it go.” Then do it. Action is called for when there is a bigger problem, say, differences in parenting or in the amount of time spent in pursuits outside of the family. Here are tips for talking to your mate: 1. Identify the problem as specifically as possible. It isn’t, “You spend too much time playing golf,” it’s, “I need a break on the weekend, too, and when you play golf both days that doesn’t happen.” 2. Set a time to tackle the problem. Make an appointment with your partner, giving him an idea of what you want to discuss. 3. Be assertive. The classic formula is “When you do (x), I feel (sad, anxious, disappointed, etc.). I would like you to do (y) instead.” 4. Listen to the response. If it gets emotional, you and your partner need to take a break and agree to discuss it at another time to determine a solution. 5. If your partner is open to finding solutions right away, start brainstorming. A little spontaneous creativity can go a long way. If you can’t reach a compromise and it is something that you just can’t let go, seek counseling, either alone or with your partner. You may just need help figuring out how to problem-solve better, or perhaps it’s your communication that needs to be improved. The deal breakers: when to call it quits Many problems can be worked out, some with professional help. However, there are a few exceptions, which are called deal breakers: > Physical abuse > Mental abuse > Repeated failure at sobriety from drugs or alcohol > Out-of-control spending or gambling > Repeated affairs Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist and relationship expert. She is director of the Buehler Institute in Irvine. thebuehlerinstitute.com |
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