EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
KID
QUIPS
During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Teen Years
|
||||
|
TOUGH QUESTIONS And what did you do (wrong) when growing up, mom? Back when your child was 6, you thought he asked some pretty tough questions. “Why is the sky blue?” “Why don’t men wear skirts?” “How does sand get on the beach?” But now that your child is a teenager, you’d probably trade any of these former questions for his current probing inquiries: “So, are you telling me you never drank alcohol when you were in high school?” “When was the first time you had sex?” Suddenly, you’re struggling with how to tackle really difficult questions. Is honesty always the best policy when it involves revealing your own personal teenage indiscretions? There are essentially two different approaches parents take on this issue: They’re open and truthful about their experiences in order to make a point about risky behavior, or they lie outright to protect their image as positive role models. Michele Borba, a Palm Springs-based educational psychologist and author, stresses that there is no right answer to address these types of questions because parents do, and should, respond differently based on their comfort level. “The important thing is to remember that you should never give out more information than you feel comfortable giving out. Too often, we give our kids too much information, and we should focus on giving them only as much as they need.” Try being as forthcoming as possible without telling every lurid detail of a past transgression. Discussing your mistakes can help your teenager understand what can happen to him if he makes similar mistakes. But there’s also a possibility that this type of disclosure could give him permission for acting out in the same reckless way. “The degree to how much a parent should divulge should be linked to the child’s age,” says Bob Sklar, a Fullerton-based family counselor. Obviously, a 19-year-old can handle more details than a 13-year-old who has not been exposed to a lot of risky situations and has difficulty imagining his parents as anything other than straight and boring adults. Even vague conversations about your past history can convey important values of honesty, courage and responsibility. For example, instead of telling your teenager about how much marijuana you smoked while in high school, emphasize the lesson you learned by making the mistake of using drugs. You might want to talk about how certain actions made you feel frightened or upset. “The key is to satisfy their curiosity without revealing more than they can process,” says Sklar. In talking about their past, parents should be careful not to lose their teen’s respect. Although they probably won’t admit it, teens want stable parents who have made rational decisions – both in the present and the past. The last thing they want to hear is that their mother was a shoplifter or that their father used drugs. Borba also stresses that for some issues, such as sex, it’s OK to simply say, “This is personal.” If parents don’t tell even close friends or their spouses about every detail of their past, why should they feel they have to tell their children? Regardless of how much you decide to reveal, you still need to maintain strong communication with your teenager and reinforce your family’s moral values. But the key is to find appropriate times when they actually want to talk. “With many teens, and especially boys, it’s more effective if you’re talking about these subjects while doing something in a relaxed manner,” says Borba. “Whether it’s shooting hoops, walking around the mall or going on a bicycle ride, a teenager is much more likely to open up during these activities as opposed to sitting at a table and being confronted with something that resembles ‘the talk.’” Studies of the teenage brain have shown that many teens are able to absorb more information if they are in an active state. Parents also should focus on proactive communication that addresses “if...then” situations. Instead of waiting to discuss a topic after a specific event occurs, it’s much better to discuss various scenarios that have bearing on a potential situation. For example, ask your child: “What if you get into this situation? Have you thought what the consequences might be?” One mother of a teenager has even cut out Dear Abby columns from the newspaper to use the questions as sounding boards for conversations related to risky behavior. Watching television shows such as “The OC” with your teen can also be effective in promoting dialogue about sex, drugs and alcohol. Experts also suggest talking about the lyrics of your teen’s favorite songs, since there are many underlying messages hidden in the words. “The important thing to remember is to not end up lecturing but instead use your teen’s life as a talking point,” says Borba. Borba stresses that instead of worrying about the messages they give their children about their past, parents should focus more on the behavior they are modeling in the present. “A parent’s actions today are more important than what he or she did in the past,” she says. If you tell your kids not to drink and drive and yet they have seen you driving after a few drinks, they’ll view you as a hypocrite. And at the same time, if they see you helping a sick neighbor or volunteering at a homeless shelter, they will understand that what you are doing now is what really counts. For more information on communication and teenagers, visit Michele Borba’s website at: www.micheleborba.com. Borba’s latest book is “Don’t Give Me that Attitude!: 24 Rude, Selfish Insensitive Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them),” (Jossey-Bass-Wiley 2004). |
||||
RSS Subscribe
Digg This ArticleSEARCH THE SITE
