EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Teen Years (13-18)
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Sending your child off to high school I still have vivid memories from four years ago in August when my oldest child was preparing to start high school. Although she was a good kid, I worried about the unknown. I worried about who would become her friends and whether she’d be able to handle the demands of honors and AP classes, not to mention all the time-consuming activities required for today’s college-bound students. As with most phases of parenting, these high school years were over in a blink of an eye and she is now in the process of packing her belongings for college. Even though I was more relaxed when my son started high school last year, I still had similar worries about what the high school experience would be like for him. “This is one of the most stressful times for parents and their children,” says Bob Sklar, a Fullerton-based family therapist. “In addition to all the normal fears that freshmen experience about starting high school, kids at this age are expected to start taking charge of their own lives, which is not always easy for their parents.” Schoolwork becomes more challenging and there is often more homework. Parents should support their children with their academic and social activities, but they should not become overly involved. Although many parents won’t hesitate to go directly to a middle school or elementary school teacher when their child receives a bad grade, this is not only frowned upon by high school teachers but is also harmful to your child’s development. Another major mistake for many parents of incoming freshmen is their belief that their child is old enough to handle adult-type situations. It’s quite common for parents to become less involved in their children’s lives the older they become, but in fact, parents should spend more quality time with children during their teen years than at most other stages of childhood. “I tell parents that the most dangerous years for many kids are from 12 to age 16,” says Sklar. “These are the years that they start demanding more freedom but in actuality have less maturity to handle it.” Dr. Michael Bradley, a Philadelphia-based psychologist and author of “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!” (Harbor Press, 2003), agrees that because the teenage years are so turbulent, it’s critical that parents stay very involved. Bradley suggests that one of the most effective things a parent can do before a child enters high school is to establish regular communication by asking questions instead of trying to provide advice or suggestions about how they should live their lives. The best question a parent can ask a child is: “Why would you want to go to high school?” Kids may snicker at first, claiming society requires them to go to high school, but if addressed in a serious manner, this question can serve as a prompt to get them to think about the future. Talking points could include which classes (honors vs. non-honors) should be taken, what grades are acceptable, which activities should be pursued and which types of individuals make the best friends. A conversation of this type – without lecturing – shows teens that you can relate to them as pre-adults, not children. “It’s important to accept their responses and not to tell them how to respond,” says Bradley. Bradley then suggests that following this type of conversation, a mission statement can be developed including concrete goals, so teenagers have a sense of direction. “Sometimes a kid really doesn’t know what he wants to do and that’s fine,” says Bradley, “but this is a first step in helping him or her visualize certain options.” For example, sometimes an overly ambitious child enters high school wanting to take honors classes and participate in multiple sports, student government and a community service organization. It’s helpful when she can visualize the consequences of an overbooked schedule and parents can help her with this process. As my daughter packs up for college, I’m having similar concerns about how she’ll cope with this huge transition. My friends with older children are absolutely right – just because your child has grown up, doesn’t mean you stop worrying.m Carol Daus is a freelance writer living in Huntington Beach, with her husband and three teenagers. |
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