EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
KID
QUIPS
During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Teen Years
|
||||
|
Parents have been trying to inflict their own opinions on children from the get-go. Likewise, kids typically will go out of their way to resist them - particularly when they become teenagers. Such battles for freedom and control, though, often contribute to tremendous struggle over control. "I think a lot of the arguments come out of the fact that parents believe that the kids should agree with his or her point of view," says Sunny (Sarah) Steinmeyer, a Laguna Hills-based clinical psychologist. "First of all, they shouldn't agree with the parent because they have totally different needs. Their need is to be independent. The parent's need is to protect and still maintain some sort of illusion of control." According to "Child Development: Infancy through Adolescence," a textbook by Alison Clarke-Stewart and Susan Friedman, teenagers are likely to argue, to press for advantage, and to test most of the limits that parents set. While indeed trying at times, this stage of development allows adolescents to emerge as sound, adequate and successful young men and women. What are some steps parents can take to reduce a breakdown in communication and invite conversation during their teen's fight for independence? One way, says Steinmeyer, is for parents to use their influence rather than trying to control. Just as you were unable to get your child to eat certain foods when he was 6 months old, she points, you won't be able to force them now, either. Parents can, however, control themselves and set limits and boundaries. "There's a world of difference," she notes, "between the statement, 'You can't use drugs'...(versus) 'If you use drugs and I'm aware of it, I will do the following things.'" Steinmeyer also recommends parents avoid questions that invite future indictment, such as, "Why are you coming in late?" or, "Don't you know what time it is?" In these instances, anything the teen comes up with will only put them in deeper trouble. A much more honest statement would be, "I've been worried about you and I'm angry that you are late." For situation-related issues, such as chores, homework and curfews, Samantha Winkler, founder of Saddleback Mediation Services in Rancho Santa Margarita, recommends that families explore alternatives together in order to find middle ground. Such a compromise, for example, may be extending their child's curfew by an hour on the weekend. Once a middle ground has been established, a written agreement outlining the arrangement may prove helpful. Winkler recommends reviewing the agreement in a couple weeks to see if it's working and adjust if necessary. "Work at the little things first to either build or rebuild the trust," she says. "It's amazing when you start with the little things - where you can find agreement and start building some trust - how families can all the sudden find ways to agree on the bigger things." And be sure to throw in some humor and fun and allow opportunities for further bonding along the way. "Staying connected is key to being able to resolve the issues that come along in a child's life," says Winkler. "I think it's important for families to have activities and traditions that they maintain so that they can stay connected. Then, when they have these blips on the radar screen, it's easier for them to deal with." For additional tips, visit the American Academy of Pediatrics' web site at www.aap.org. Type in "communicating with your teen" at the search prompt. |
||||
RSS Subscribe
Digg This ArticleSEARCH THE SITE
