Teen Years

Even though there are rare exceptions, most parents would agree that “rude and disrespectful” best fits the bill. Whether it’s brought on by raging hormones, peers, MTV, rap lyrics or a quest for independence, teen surliness can be very distressing and perplexing to parents.

When Susan Kuczmarski, Ed.D, interviewed parents for her book, “The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go,” one of the most common complaints involved teen rudeness. One parent said, “I just want back the nice person who used to live with us.” Another confided: “I actually don’t want him living in the house anymore, because he really isn’t fun to be around.”

 Kuczmarski recognized that parents of teens were relieved to learn that other parents were struggling to come to terms with their teens’ disrespectful behavior. “It’s important for parents to be in close touch with other parents during these years to understand that this type of behavior is quite common,” says Kuczmarski.

Teens are often on a wild emotional roller coaster. Hormones are surging, and they get angry and upset easily. They are still trying to separate from their parents and become more independent, but they desperately need their parents. Experts agree that teens are constantly under intense personal and social stress, and they lack the adult tools to deal with it.

Kuczmarski explains that another reason for their rudeness is that teens are busy practicing a new way of thinking. Between ages 11 and 16, teens develop the ability to solve problems without the concrete, action-oriented experiences of a child. They begin to form theories about everything, make assumptions, consider hypotheses and work out inferences.

“This abstract thinking is actually very difficult to master, so teens argue constantly to practice their abstract processes,” says Kuczmarski. Patience is definitely a virtue during this phase, and experts like Kuczmarski believe it’s best to nurture and support cantankerous teenagers. “If possible, try to enjoy this development, rather than feel annoyed or threatened by it,” she says.

By the same token, chronic rudeness that becomes excessive should not be tolerated. In some cases, it’s a sign that a teen needs professional help. “Kids who have become chronically rude have probably developed anger related to how they’ve been treated, so they model or transfer a lot of that anger in the form of rudeness to others,” explains Ed Wimberly, author of “Parenting with Attitude: 21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves.”

In general, Wimberly believes that children who end up being respectful are the ones who grew up being respected. “Being loved isn’t enough if parents aren’t showing the kind of respect that a child needs and deserves as much as we do as adults,” he says. This does not mean that teens should have an equal vote or the final say on matters, but it suggests that parents should show them consideration in terms of their thoughts, activities, schedules and friends.

One of the best ways to demonstrate consideration is to be available for your teens. “Just because you’re on the premises doesn’t mean you’re available,” says Wimberly. “You may be watching TV or on the computer without really interacting with them.” He also advises parents to follow through on their promises, because a pattern of not keeping one’s word causes teens to be disrespectful.

When chronic rudeness occurs, parents need to sit down with their teen and discuss consequences rationally.

Unfortunately, many parents, instead, become angry and try to control their teen. Others withdraw from their parenting responsibilities, rather than deal with a mouthy or rude adolescent. The best way for parents to react to sassy statements, scowls and the “I’d rather be anywhere but here” attitude is to calmly explain to their teens the effects of their rudeness.

“Parents should tell them that they’re concerned about their behavior,” Wimberly says. Parents might say something like, “You are really trying to hurt my feelings here, and I’m not sure why. You are a much better person than that.”


Carol Daus was recently honored with a Silver Award at the Parenting Publications of America Awards for her contributions to our magazine. To read her winning essay, go to ocfamily.com, click on “ocdadblog,” scroll down to “older posts” and access the blog on March 3, 2008.