Teen Years

When your child was younger, you probably served as her social director. You met other parents and arranged playdates and sleepovers. If there was a friend whose behavior was atrocious, you gently steered her away from that child. In many cases, your friends’ children became your children’s friends, giving you even greater control.

But all of that changed when your child entered middle school and started making her own choices about who she wanted to hang out with. In high school, these changes probably became more noticeable. Now your teen might have even befriended someone who you absolutely can’t stand. So what should you do?

The advice from child development experts is plain and simple: You don’t have to like your teen’s friends. Selecting friends is a personal choice, and your preferences as a parent really should not be part of the equation. It’s important to note that as children grow older, the nature of their friendships change. When they are younger, it’s not uncommon for children to be attracted to kids who have the latest video games or toys. By the middle school years, they’re attracted to those who have comparable interests and activities related to sports, music, dress and academics.

“It becomes much more abstract and psychological, and they become more selective choosing their friends,” says Ken Rubin, a child development professor at University of Maryland and author of “The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World – and Why it Matters for Their Success and Happiness” (Penguin 2002). “That’s why it usually never works when mom or dad suggests they become friends with a particular individual,” Rubin says.

Experts agree that if your teen’s relationship with a friend is not harmful (even though the friend is someone you don’t care for), it’s best not to get overly concerned. By making a big fuss over his choice in friends, a parent is telling a child, “I don’t trust your judgment.” Should a parent then be surprised when the teen rebels, and not just against a parent selecting his friends, but to protest the parent’s overall authority? “It’s best to see if the friendship will run its course, and in many cases, it will fizzle out on its own,” says Rubin.

What if the friend is a bad Influence?

In some situations, it’s not a good idea to wait until a relationship ends. If specific behaviors surface that indicate that a friend is negatively influencing your child, it’s best to take action. Dr. Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based child psychologist and author, points out that many parents complain about their child’s friends or clique. “Often parents place the blame on other kids instead of their own child, who is responsible for attracting or choosing a particular friend,” she says. “All through life, we attract who we are,” says Murray. In most instances, there is a reason why a teen wants to associate with a particular friend.

If a harmful relationship develops, Murray suggests you have an honest conversation with your teen to help her determine why she has become friends with this person. Discussions about why she enjoys being with her and how she feels being her friend can shed some light on the purpose of the relationship. By starting this dialogue, parents will help their child forge her own identity, rather than letting a destructive friend take on this role.

If you’re worried about a friend’s negative influence on your teen, try these tips:

> Make your house teen-friendly. Offer plenty of snacks and space where they can listen to music and make noise. Respect their privacy, but supervise in a non-intrusive way. You’ll get to know your child’s friends and be able to keep your ears open.

> Monitor closely. Know where your child is going, always. Get to know her friends and their parents. If parents allow their teen to throw unsupervised parties, that’s a bad sign.

> Watch for red flags. Slipping grades, missed curfews, bad language or defiance? If so, the friend may be influencing your teen.

> Express concern. If you start seeing these red flags, instead of lecturing, describe the changes you see . Restate your family rules, values and consequences for unacceptable behavior.


Carol Daus is a contributor.