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Teen Years (13-18)
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How to encourage independence in teens When my daughter was getting ready to go to college in another state, I remember wondering whether I had given her all the tools she needed to prepare her for the real world. Then just before she moved, I stumbled upon a parenting book about what life skills kids should acquire in order to make a smooth transition to college. After flipping through a few pages, I was really devastated. According to this author, my daughter had probably only mastered a quarter of what she needed to know. For more than 15 years of her life, I had spent untold hours driving her around to ballet lessons, tutoring sessions and volleyball meets, but failed to teach her the most practical skills that would help her become self-sufficient – such as how to balance a checkbook, cook a well-balanced meal, fold laundry properly and check the oil level in her car. Many busy parents feel it’s easier to do things themselves than teach their teenagers how to do these tasks. But Susan Kuczmarski, a Chicago-based educator and author of “The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go,” stresses that there is a real danger in doing everything for older children. “Parents should encourage their teens to be the boss of their own lives and in doing this, parents need to make a mental shift in how they relate to their teens,” says Kuczmarksi. Specifically, she explains that parents need to establish a person-to-person relationship with their teenager instead of maintaining a parent-child relationship. One of the best ways to help them become more independent is to make them responsible for 2 regular household chores, such as washing dishes, taking out the trash or setting the table. According to Kuczmarski, the most effective way to do this is to let them select which 2 chores they want to handle on a regular basis. “Teens learn adult survival skills from home chores,” she says. Kuczmarski believes, too, that household chores should not be tied to an allowance. “An allowance teaches something else – how to manage their money – but it doesn’t show them the importance of working together as a team to make a house run smoothly.” As parents allow their teens to take on greater responsibilities both inside and outside the house, they must also accept the fact that they will make mistakes. It’s particularly important for parents to give their children the freedom to make mistakes and allow them to learn from these mistakes. Nobody, and particularly teenagers, likes to be micromanaged, so this is where patience is especially important. A teenager’s idea of clean, sorted and folded laundry may not match his mother’s, but that’s OK. Kuczmarski stresses that boys and girls should learn skills that in the past were considered traditional gender-related activities. “Boys need to know how to cook and iron, and girls need to learn how to maintain the car and use lawn tools,” she says. Parents also should not assume that a teen knows how to handle a specific task just because it appears simple. As a result, it’s important to provide instructions without using a condescending tone. Instead of barking out, “Don’t wash your dark clothes with light clothes!” try, “It’s best to separate dark clothes from light clothes before washing so that you don’t end up with gray underwear.” Teens do not like being told what to do, so use subtle messages that help them understand how they will benefit from mastering the task. For example, a parent should state, “I would like to show you how to cook some meals (or other task) so you can take care of yourself on your own.” Although attaining basic life skills are critical in fostering independence in teens, experts agree that it is also extremely important to allow adolescents to feel comfortable developing their own identities prior to leaving for college. Parents play a vital role here by accepting their teens’ changing values. This can be upsetting to some parents when their teens’ values no longer reflect their own values. “Parents need to step back and realize that a value is something very personal and important to an individual, and it’s what makes them unique,” Kuczmarski says. In her book, she suggests a simple exercise that promotes communication and understanding between parents and their teens. During a quiet period, they should each record on a piece of paper several of their most important values and then discuss what was written. “This activity helps promote independence in teens because they begin to understand that they’re different and that it’s OK to be different,” says Kuczmarski. “Essentially, the job of a teenager is to become their own person and parents can help them accomplish this by acknowledging and praising them when they display mature behavior.” Carol Daus is a regular contributor to OC Family Magazine. |
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