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It is a big word for a big problem, one that has been hotly debated on both sides. Parental alienation is when one parent tries to turn a child against the other through bad-mouthing and expressing anger toward that parent, casting him or her in a negative light and making the child feel guilty for wanting to spend time with – and even loving – this parent. It sounds despicable, doesn’t it? But let’s be honest. Many single parents – including me – are guilty of parental alienation to some degree, whether it’s intentional or not. In my case, there was so much anger in the beginning and it was difficult to contain my emotions around my children. While I wasn’t saying negative things about their father to purposely destroy their relationship with him, I see now how destructive and irresponsible my behavior was. Parental alienation is a common, well-documented phenomenon in divorce, and a form of child abuse, says Glenn Sacks, a columnist who is an outspoken and frequently published advocate on the subject (glennsacks.com). “There are mild cases of parental alienation, and then some parents go on a malicious campaign to destroy the relationship between their children and the other parent, lasting years and even decades.” Sacks says it’s usually the custodial parent – the mother in many cases – who does the alienating. “Children spend most of their time with this parent. They’re the gatekeepers and control access to the other parent, and can easily block phone calls and visits.” One of the worst cases known to Sacks was a father of two whose ex-wife remarried and moved to Phoenix. He flew there one weekend to visit his daughters and she turned him away. With a heavy heart, he flew home. He later checked his phone messages and heard his daughters sobbing in the background as his ex-wife screamed into the phone, “Where are you? We’ve been waiting at the restaurant!” Sacks says the ex-wife made him “look like the bad guy” so many times that now his daughters won’t even speak to him. Actor Alec Baldwin blames his recent angry outburst toward his daughter on his ex-wife, who has purposely tried to disrupt the relationship between him and his daughter, he says. “I’ve been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand.” Helen Grieco, executive director of the California National Organization for Women, calls parental alienation “junk science,” a tactic used by non-custodial fathers in the courtroom to make mothers look unfit for custody. The danger, she says, of courts buying into this “scam” is that children could end up in the primary custody of abusive and molesting fathers. Despite the backlash, the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization has succeeded in getting six states to endorse this issue with the adoption of Parental Alienation Awareness Day on April 25. California isn’t so convinced. A new bill (AB 612) is getting pushed through the Legislature that will make it harder to protect children from parental alienation by not allowing mental health professionals to submit findings of it in court. Sacks has these final words for parents who engage in alienating behaviors: “Take a look at what it’s doing to your children. You’re making them hate half of themselves. They’re not going to be little forever. Someday they’ll figure it out, and there will be hell to pay.” To reach Glenn Sacks, send an email to: glenn@glennsacks.com. Lynn Armitage is a senior writer. |
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