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Excessive focus on children can destroy marriages
Couples divorce for all manner of reasons. The Four Horsemen are usually infidelity, money problems, substance abuse and basic incompatibility – a one-size-fits-all category best summed up in these four vague words: “We just grew apart.” But how many people get divorced BECAUSE of kids? Isn’t the welfare of children usually the reason couples endure unhappy marriages to begin with? Wendy Jaffe has a different take on it (wjaffewrite@aol.com). Jaffe, author of “The Divorce Lawyers’ Guide To Staying Married,” believes that devoting too much attention to your kids could alienate your spouse and eventually lead to divorce. She calls this problem “kidaholism” (a phrase she coined), and says it causes a significant number of marital breakups. “Kidaholics are trying to be the best parent they can be. The problem is that when every waking moment is devoted to being the ‘perfect’ parent, the other spouse (usually the husband) begins to feel insignificant in the kidaholics’ life.” What often happens, Jaffe says, is that he turns to work, to other women, to time-consuming hobbies or just turns so angry that he becomes miserable to live with. Looking back on my own failed marriage, I see how my devotion to my children contributed to us “growing apart.” I could only give so much of myself during the day, and when I gave it all to the kids, there wasn’t much left for my husband when he came home at night. He dropped hints on occasion. “Your whole life is wrapped around the kids,” I remember him complaining. What he was really saying was, “Hey! What about me?” Understanding the dynamic behind kidaholism helped Jaffe make small changes that saved her own marriage. “When he walks in from work during the chaos of homework and dinner, I stop what I’m doing and mindfully greet him. It takes all of 14 seconds, but makes him feel like it matters that he is home.” So how do you know if you’ve crossed the line to becoming a kidaholic? Jaffe says to look for these tell-tale symptoms: • Kidaholics tend to talk primarily about their children. • Kidaholics give up interests they had before children and develop interests that relate to them, such as volunteering at school. • Kidaholics part ways with friends who don’t have children. • Kidaholics refuse to go away with their spouse alone for even one night. • Spouses of kidaholics complain, “There’s no time for me” and that sex is lacking. Ironically, Jaffe says a sure-fire cure for kidaholism is divorce. “With many 50/50 custody splits, the kidaholic looks for new ways to fill up the time that her children now spend with their father.” But, she advises, you can stop this addiction before it destroys your marriage: Set specific time aside for your spouse and develop joint interests. “When you make time to focus on your marriage, you’re doing a positive thing for your kids, as well.” Lynn Armitage, a senior writer and syndicated columnist, is a recovering kidaholic. |
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