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Sandwich Generation

the emotional toll Ways to take the edge off and reduce stress. By Sandy BennettPublished: April, 2004

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Ann Slavkin felt inadequate as a daughter, a wife and a mother as she bounced back and forth for several months last year from her own family’s home in Rancho Santa Margarita to her father’s home in Las Vegas where he battled cancer. When she was home, all she could think about was being with her dad, who lost his life to the disease in August. And when she was with her father, all she could think about was being with her husband and three children. Her youngest, at the time, had yet to turn 1. “Every time I left my father, he would cry and he would want me to hurry back,” she says. “And every time I left my children, my children would cry.” As Slavkin’s comment shows, caring for an elderly parent with young children still at home proves not only emotionally difficult for the care provider, but for all members of the family. “The entire family is impacted,” says Alyson Emmons, a Huntington Beach-based clinical psychologist. “Everybody involved has their own emotional adjustment to make.” We frequently hear about the strain on the adult child, for example, as he or she juggles the needs of an aging parent with those of their own children ­ and oftentimes a job or career as well. Less is heard, however, about the emotional hardships often experienced by an elderly parent and by the children still at home. “Children, particularly younger ones, often begin to feel the focus is now more on the elderly than it is on them. So sometimes there’s some resentment and anger,” says Emmons. “Kids sometimes withdraw because they think their parents don’t have time for them.” Struggles for the elderly parent, on the other hand, she says, often stem from their loss of independence, whether from a decreased responsibility such as losing a driver’s license or a physical impairment like a hearing loss. They also often see themselves as a burden to their children and his or her family. While there is no denying the difficulties that often surface, there are ways to help reduce the hardships and to bring a sense of harmony to the entire family. “The greatest blessing was our amazing friends,” says Slavkin. “If I had to give advice to someone going through this life process, it would be to call on your support system.” The support of her husband and friends not only allowed Slavkin to spend time with and care for her dad, it also afforded some consistency in her children’s established routines. They, for instance, still got to play with their friends and continue their involvement in activities, such as gymnastics and piano. Emmons agrees: Support is key. She also says that care providers who tend to struggle the most are those who try to shoulder the entire responsibility. “If the adult child can pull (a family) together and this can become a team effort, this can be a wonderful project for the family,” say Emmons. The situation, for instance, can strengthen family bonds and also provides life lessons ­ ones of love, compassion, tolerance and patience. “If you can make a meal, take a child for a play date, even do a load of laundry, or generally help out a friend in this situation, do it,” says Slavkin. “You will be a tremendous support and you never know when you will be in the same situation.” Sandy Bennett is associate editor at Churm Publishing, Inc. Here are some additional tips from Emmons: • Hold family meetings where the aging process and concerns can be discussed. • Assign responsibilities. This not only reduces the load for the primary caregiver, but makes others feel like they are contributing as well. A 7-year-old child, for instance, can set the table for dinner while an elderly parent folds the napkins. • Like Slavkin, maintain as much consistency in your child’s life as possible. Also watch for behavioral changes in your child, such as withdrawal, drops in grades, increased temper-tantrums, etc. • Join a support group for caregivers. Several are offered throughout Orange County. • Be realistic in your expectations, with both what your parents are able to do as well as yourself. • Crises may occur over and over again. Plan how you would handle different scenarios and be prepared. This includes having access to important documents and medical information. • Be cautious if you start to feel angry at your children or at your aging parent. This is a sign of overload and professional assistance may be helpful.

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