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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Mother Knows Best
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I am unbonding. For those of you new moms, perhaps even rocking your newborn as you read this, unbonding is the opposite of what you're doing now: the nursing, the cooing, the cuddling. All those things, we're told as new mothers, are crucial to establishing a unique, one-of-a-kind connection between mother and child. The experts are right. It works. I did everything they suggested in order to bond with my son, or to "attach," as they now say. I talked to him from the first moment the stick turned blue, so that he'd know my voice. As he was delivered, the nurses handed him immediately to me so that I would be the first to embrace him as he entered the world. Within hours, he began to nurse, a key component to a strong mother-child relationship. For weeks it was all about us, and getting to know and trust each other. And when he gazed at me for the first time, looking right into my eyes, recognizing me as "mom" and smiling that toothless smile, I simply melted. We had "connected," just like they said we would. We were tight. Now I'm stuck. Having bonded so well, more like Superglue than regular old white glue, I'm finding it a bit difficult to undo it all. The little boy who melted my heart is now researching colleges. He will turn 18 on his next birthday. It's time to let go. And, like childbirth, it's more difficult than I expected. Truthfully, it's a rather negative process. Detach. Separation. These are words that come to mind. Even harder, these "negatives" are all, in this case, actually positive things, when your baby is no longer a baby. In fact, they are necessary in order to form a new, healthy, adult relationship. Yet, no one prepared me for this part. Where are the nurses? I guess my own mother offered hints of what was to come. She cried when I went away to college. She still mails grocery coupons to me and we talk every day on the phone. But other than witnessing my mom's reaction to my growing up, there have been no experts telling me what to do and how to do it. No "unbonding" Lamaze coaches. I'm on my own to do this part of mothering - to undo the connection we made during our first few hours and days together. It's like ripping a Band-Aid off your arm that miraculously stuck to you after an entire week of showers. It stings. And it leaves a mark. Yet, I know instinctively that letting him go is as natural as giving birth. I just didn't think it would hurt as much. Maybe I'll talk to my mom about it. She'll know what to say. She's always been there for me. She still is. Even now that I'm all grown up. Hmmm. Kimberly A. Porrazzo is a senior writer for Churm Publishing, Inc. and author of "The Nanny Kit." She lives in Lake Forest with her husband and two teenage sons. She can be reached at: kimberlyporrazzo@cox.net. |
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