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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Mother Knows Best
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Dear Dr. Bazelton, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura and any other doc types about to write their next parenting book, I respectfully submit the following outline for a chapter I suggest you call "Bungee Parenting," to be included in your book's section on child-rearing styles. After you've discussed the old stand-by styles like authoritative and permissive parenting, introduce your readers to the often overlooked, but widely used, technique of "bungee parenting," or perhaps better understood by our TV-oriented culture as "reality parenting." The idea is centered on my theory that all parents (most won't admit it) push their children, and that all children (most parents won't admit it) push back. We have a rubber band-like relationship with our kids, a real-life physics lesson if you will, based on opposing forces and resistance and who can hold out the longest. (In the case of older children, it directly relates to who has possession of the car keys.) This theory should be presented in the section for parents of 2-year-olds and then revisited in the section for parents of teens. The principle is the same. Here's how it works. We begin by nudging our kiddos gently in the right direction. But, since the right direction is usually diametrically opposed to the direction they want to go in, they go very reluctantly, sometimes even pushing back against us. So we push a little harder with our words, hands on our hips, eyebrows furled. But even this usually propels them only so far in the direction we want them to go. Sometimes a blast is required to counter their resistance. Something along the lines of, "No Nintendo for a month!" and then hopefully, counter-resistance factored into the equation, their behavior will in some way resemble what we were hoping for. The exercise looks something like bungee jumping. You launch them way past the intended goal, hoping that after they rebound, they'll settle somewhere near the target. This "style," if you must, also can be practiced a bit more subtly. I encourage my kids to work toward getting A's in school, when in fact I know there will be a bad test day or a missed assignment somewhere along the way. Shoot for A's...they log in a D here and there...but, somewhere around report card time everything settles around B's and C's. No longer a perfectionist parent, I'm OK with that. We adults utilize this theory in our own lives. Say you're going to sell your house. Everyone knows that your asking price should be set higher than what you actually expect to get for it. The buyer will make an offer far lower than he expects to pay. You settle in between. The bungee effect. The bungee effect is so pervasive that sometimes we invoke it without realizing it. We buy dress shoes for our little boys that are two sizes too big, so by the time they actually have occasion to wear them, they'll fit. We cut our daughters' bangs too short so that by school picture day, they'll be just right. And we put more peas on the plate than we know they'll eat, just to make sure they get down enough before they start protesting. This approach works for encouraging our children to exhibit a desired behavior but the opposite also is true, too. When we want to prevent a behavior, we can go to the other extreme. For example, in our house we don't swear. OK, my husband, on occasion...well...more frequently than occasionally (he's been doing lots of home improvement projects lately)...he will let something slip out. He tries to set a good example, but even I admit that sometimes a little swearword can relieve a lot of pressure, say, like when the hammer slips off the nail? But it's a last resort because the lesson here is that swearing is not necessary. Hopefully that is the message our boys will take away, forgetting the #&^@#. After a few years of being a parent,you begin to get a feel for how far beyond the target you need to shoot in order for your own children to land where you want them to. Too much pressure and your kid will self-destruct. Not enough and he won't get there. It's a fine line we parents walk and it's not an easy job. The bright side? Like the umbilical cord, the bungee cord also will one day be cut. Your kids will sail into the world as better people, thanks to you. And when they become parents and are struggling with what "style" best defines them, you can hand them a copy of your favorite parenting book, the one written by a famous doctor with all the latest child-care advice. Like you, they'll figure it out. Kimberly A. Porrazzo lives in Lake Forest. She can be reached at: kimberlyporrazzo@cox.net. |
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