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MOM BLOG

Fakin‘ bacon My attempt at pulling a healthy switcheroo by suzanne broughtonPublished: February, 2012

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With the New Year in full swing, one morning I thought I’d implement my new “let’s eat healthier” plan on my hapless family by (secretly) serving them low-sodium bacon. As you can imagine, it went over like a ton of bricks, which, as it turns out, is exactly what low-sodium bacon tastes like.      I’d like to preface this story by noting that the Broughtons love their bacon. I was neutral on the bacon issue before I married my husband, but becoming a Broughton meant enjoying that particular part of the pig. Our wedding reception featured every sort of food imaginable wrapped in bacon (and a large swan carved out of butter, but that’s a different story). My plan was to go in under the radar with the fake bacon and casually mention the light-sodium part after the victory of a tasty breakfast.     I knew I was in trouble the moment I threw the bacon in the pan and it started to turn, instead of the comforting light-golden brown, into a worrisome yellowy-orangey brown. “They’re going to know! I’m going down!” I thought to myself, mild panic setting in. This was bad. No matter how good the cinnamon rolls or how scrumptious the eggs, if the bacon’s not good, you might as well throw the whole breakfast out the window. (Which is strictly prohibited in our homeowner’s association rules and regs.)     There was no going back as the smell of frying bacon filled the house and drew my sleepy family to the table like zombies. Marching forward, I had no choice but to serve them the “bacon.” I felt devious. My family did nothing to deserve this ... this ... What have I done? I sat down with my loved ones and smiled nervously, hiding behind my coffee cup as they filled their plates.     Then I took a bite of the bacon and knew it was all over. Darting my eyes from kid to husband to kid back to husband, I could see the confusion on their faces as they ate their first piece. Low-sodium bacon makes an unnatural crunching sound that pierces the ears, and with each bite the noise became louder and louder before finally ending with a terrible crunchy crescendo.     My daughter picked up her remaining two pieces and threw them onto her dad’s plate without saying a word. My husband – he would never say anything. He just kept eating, looking straight down at his plate. I finally confessed and mumbled, “The bacon is low sodium,” and with that, a big sigh of relief was let out by the entire family.     Honestly, I think they were just happy I wasn’t able to make regular bacon taste so awful, sealing my fate forever as a terrible cook. They all downed their OJs to get rid of the taste, tore into their cinnamon rolls and tossed the remaining pieces to the dogs (who, FYI, absolutely don’t mind low-sodium bacon).     “I just thought it would be a healthier option for our family,” I explained while clearing the table. Thus, almost entirely completing the transformation into my mother.

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