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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Middle Years
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After picking up your daughter from middle school and promptly asking her about the day, do you really expect this type of lengthy reply? "It was great. In social studies we learned about the civil rights movement and it was sad hearing about how some people were mistreated in the South. I also felt sorry for Jeremy because he was suspended for cheating on a math test even though it really wasn't his fault. Sara also said she wouldn't be my friend anymore if I don't go to the mall with her this weekend." Instead, most likely her response will be a simple "OK." From the time their children are very young, parents want to hear a response and they constantly look for ways to strike up meaningful conversations. Unfortunately, this is not always easy to achieve, especially during the middle years when many children start pulling back from their parents and prefer instant messaging their thoughts and dreams to friends. Silence suddenly seems to take the place of heart-to-heart talks between many preteens and their parents. To make matters worse, today's busy families barely have time for sit-down dinners, let alone regular conversations. And when there is time for talk, it usually involves commentary about routine events, such as homework, household chores or being able to go out with a friend. "One of the biggest mistakes parents make is that they tend to tell their children way too much and listen way too little," stresses Jane M. Healy, a Vail, Colo.-based educational psychologist and author of several child development books. Lecturing is a natural tendency for parents, but it clearly is a conversation stopper. In order to keep communication lines open and promote good conversation, parents of preteens need to be nonjudgmental when talking about certain topics. "It's much more effective to say, 'That's interesting, tell me why you say that,' rather than 'That's not right,'" advises Healy. Parents need to imagine what it would feel like if every time they made a statement or complaint to a friend, it would be returned with a moral lesson or monologue about their behavior. Another mistake that many parents make is assuming that computer software will help develop their child's language skills. Many software programs advertise that they can build a child's vocabulary and improve written and oral communication. If that's the case and increasing numbers of children are using the tools of the Information Age, why have test scores in language arts plummeted throughout the country? Healy points out that technology is not going to solve these problems. "Children need human beings asking the appropriate types of questions, using facial expressions and gestures," she says. According to Healy, the key to expanding your child's thinking and language development is to ask open-ended questions that do not have right answers. Such conversations help children to become better communicators and better thinkers. In her books, Healy includes "playful ponderings," which are examples of open-ended questions that parents can use as a catalyst for good conversations with their children. Examples include: "If you could talk to animals, what could you find out?" and, "If you could invent a magic potion that would change any person you know, who would you use it on first?" She suggests that parents set aside a regular night, either over dinner or another time, to focus discussion around these types of questions. After a little practice, both parents and children find there is a lot to talk about and usually come up with endless questions or discussion topics. Children also respond better when parents talk to them about subjects that interest them. Some parents find that taking up a mutual activity, whether it's a sport, musical instrument or volunteering, gives them plenty to talk about. Reading one of your child's assigned chapter books is an excellent way to stay connected through literature. Some parents and their children have even formed book groups with other families to encourage discussion on a variety of topics. Healy stresses the value of watching television with your children. "This gives you an excellent opportunity to discuss how people are portrayed in the media and how advertisers are trying to influence people through subtle messages," she says. Even though conversation is invaluable, it's also important to learn to tolerate silence when your child asks for it. Some children just don't feel like talking when their parents feel it's appropriate. "For preteens and teenagers, it's best to have conversations when everyone isn't rushed and that might mean scheduling a time that works for each person," Healy suggests. "The most important rules are to be available, make time to listen and don't pass judgment." Jane M. Healy, Ph.D., is the author of "Your Child's Growing Mind: Brain Development and Learning from Birth to Adolescence," 3rd edition (May 2004), Doubleday-Broadway Publishing Group. Carol Daus is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach. Tips for creative conversations • Set aside specific time for conversation. Don't answer the phone or the door during this period. • As a conversation starter at dinner, have family members bring up what was the best and worst part of their day. • Never lecture, ridicule or label any remark as "childish." • Keep conversations fun and leave your children wanting more. |
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