EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Middle Years (7-12)
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It’s normal for parents to cringe when their preteens first ask them if they can have a boy-girl party. Painful memories of their own experiences playing games like Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare at boy-girl parties prompt parents to question why their children should suffer through similar events. Yet many children as young as 11 or 12 are holding mixed-gender parties, causing many parents to wonder if this is a good thing. Most experts, however, stress that if well-organized and adequately supervised, these parties can be beneficial for a preteen’s transition into the high school years. Dr. Susan Fletcher, a Dallas, Texas-based child psychologist and author, is a big fan of boy-girl parties for children in the middle school years. “Kids need to learn social skills in mixed groups in a non-threatening and comfortable environment apart from school,” she says. According to Fletcher, the best type of mixed party for this age group is generally held in one’s home and is linked to a special event, such as a birthday, last day of school, the Academy Awards, Super Bowl, etc. “Theme parties help de-emphasize the fact that boys and girls are together, which allows them to get along naturally as friends without pressure,” she says. Fletcher notes that there are many benefits to hosting these types of parties. One positive effect is that boys and girls at this age who establish friendships based on shared activities end up usually becoming more secure and comfortable around the opposite sex than children who develop superficial flirtations and crushes that usually only lead to heartbreak. Another benefit of boy-girl parties at this stage is that they give parents a chance to get to know their child’s friends and their parents before they reach an age where they’re dating independently or are off on their own. To strengthen these relationships, parents should call each guest’s parents well before the party to inform them of the plans such as who will be attending, what activities are planned and what the supervision will be like. The most important rule in making these parties succeed is to provide effective supervision. Fletcher prefers that parents look at their role as “managing” the activities of the party rather than “supervising” them as if they were young children. This means that preteens should not be left alone unsupervised in rooms, but parents should also not be completely engaged in their activities the entire time. “If parents are constantly present, it defeats the gains you’d get from a mixed party, because kids will not have a chance to feel independent, and they’ll also think that the parents have a hidden agenda for holding such an event,” says Fletcher. But at the same time, there are plenty of ways for parents to observe with watchful eyes, such as by interacting periodically to freshen up food and make sure the guests are comfortable. At this age, there’s a fine line between allowing certain freedoms and ensuring appropriate behavior. Fletcher stresses that the other requirement for preteen parties is to keep them small in size even if your child insists on having the entire class attend. For ages 9 to 11, she recommends that no more than 15 friends attend these parties. Since the parents are ultimately responsible for the well-being of the guests, it’s best not to have a situation where heads have to be counted to determine if anyone has wandered off. If a family’s home does not lend itself to these types of parties, it is still possible to host a successful boy-girl preteen party at another venue, such as at the beach or a park. Popular activities that can also be included in a party are broomball, bowling, or skating. Linda Souder, a Fountain Valley mom, was known as the party queen when her 15-year-old daughter, Allison, was in middle school. Throughout these years, Souder hosted a variety of parties for Allison that usually included boys. “I wanted my daughter’s friends to feel our house was a safe and fun place to hang out,” she says. Souder’s best advice in holding preteen parties is to offer plenty of food that kids like and specify a particular length of time for the party. “If they run out of things to do and the party drags on, that’s when boys and girls can get antsy and can get into trouble,” she says. Now that Allison is in high school, Souder looks back and realizes that these parties helped her daughter develop a strong group of friends that includes both girls and boys. “To this day, they still get together as a group, which provides them a support system in dealing with the pressures of high school.” Susan Fletcher, PhD, is the author of “Parenting in the SMART Zone” (SMART Zone Productions, 2005). Carol Daus lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. |
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