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blended families, continued ...Published: February, 2010

Overall, Troutt emphasizes that communication is the real key to making a smooth transition to a new patchwork family. Kids are more likely to express their grief by acting out and being angry instead of just saying, “I’m sad you’re not with Mommy anymore,” and it’s important for parents to resist the temptation to call normal frustration about the changes “disrespectful,” she says.
   
“Kids should know that they don’t have to always like the new spouse or the situation, but they need to be polite and respectful,” says Troutt. “Make sure to listen to tweens and reassure them of your love and that you are not rejecting them by marrying someone else.”

NOT 'THE BRADY BUNCH'
> “The Brady Bunch” was a great show (if you happen to like bell-bottoms), but reality TV it is not. Step-spouses may feel pressured to “make the kids like me” and so may resort to frequent treats, gifts of money, and rarely saying no. This is a mistake.
   
“This kind of interaction doesn’t build a real relationship that is lasting,” says Troutt. “Many step families find it works best to leave the important discipline issues to the parent because it lessens resentment, but you should have boundaries and rules in your home that should be respected at all times.”

> The kids aren’t the only ones who might be unhappy after a remarriage.
   
“There are so many pressures on the adults in a blended family,” Troutt says. “Often, parents feel torn between pleasing their new spouse and doing what is right for their children.”
   
Tweens often have activities they are involved in like sports or scouts, and a new spouse may resent all the time the parent is spending on the children. In contrast, sometimes being with the new spouse is more exciting than parenting, especially if the kids aren’t making it easy.
   
It’s important to find a balance, or at least keep an open dialog.

> Boys and girls will react differently. Girls tend to be more emotional, and boys can sometimes be more angry and reactive with friends and siblings, and at school.
  
“Of course, each child is different, and some children may welcome a new step-parent more easily, especially when the new step-parent is understanding, fair, gives the child space, and has realistic expectations so the child doesn’t feel pressured,” says Troutt. “Remember that adjustment requires a feeling of safely.”
 
Caitlin Adams is an OC Family magazine intern.