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Middle Years (7-12)
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 For some, romantic fixations on an idol remain nothing more than a simple daydream. However, for others the harsh reality of these impossible relationships serves the name it is given: a crush. When does a celebrity crush become a cause for concern? The teenage craze over pop sensations Corbin Bleu, Miley Cyrus and, of course, the Jonas Brothers has many parents concerned. Celebrity crushes are perfectly normal for children going through their middle years. If and when you uncover your child’s Hollywood heartache, talk with her about it. This is merely a crush that she will grow out of. Turn her interests toward her peers. If your child is still attached to the celebrity, you don’t want her first crush to crush her. According to Dr. Joseph M. Carver, clinical psychologist and contributor to counsellingresource.com, celebrity crushes are typically harmless. “These are relatively safe romantic feelings,” says Carver. “These infatuations serve as one of the means by which a teen begins to form attraction to the opposite sex. However they can progress into an unhealthy fixation for your child if her fantasies begin to affect her life.” According to Irvine psychologist Dr. Kathleen Nickerson, “A parent should be concerned about her tween’s obsession when the obsession, or any behaviors related to it, start interfering with home, school or family responsibilities.”  What’s normal?At first, while entering their pre-teen years, children often form crushes on famous actors or singers. This form of attachment to pop idols keeps them at a safe emotional distance, enabling them to “test the waters” of their attraction to the opposite sex. The next stage involves the teen centering her attention on adults she is exposed to; this could be a teacher, a friend of the family or a friend’s older sibling. The final stage in this process involves shifting her attention toward her peers. “Both can be okay and both can be bad,” says Nickerson. “A harmless crush is one where there is casual flirtation. A harmful crush can lead a tween to act in impulsive or damaging ways. “The one difference between someone you know versus someone you don’t know,” says Nickerson, “is that you can express your feelings to the known person and get real feedback, whereas with a celebrity, you often cannot do this and get feedback. So unhealthy crushes are likely to last longer.” As teenagers begin to center their attention and attraction toward peers, the next obstacle for parents is dating. Some questions you may start asking yourself may be: When should your kids start dating? What should you as a parent do? And what should you be concerned about? When to worry Imagine that your 14-year-old has recently entered a relationship. Her mother is wary of her daughter dating at such a young age. However, she decides to allow the romance to blossom. Some parents may disagree with her mother’s support of the romance, but with the establishment of a few necessary rules and boundaries, this support may open the door for her daughter’s growth in self-awareness and further the communication between her and her parents.  “Teens, and especially pre-teens, do not need to have serious dating relationships,” says acclaimed psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw. “However, this may be an unavoidable aspect of your pre-teen’s life.” McGraw gives recommendations to parents facing teenage dating. First, encourage group dates in which an adult is present, rather than one-on-one dates. The presence of an adult figure will discourage any inappropriate actions, allowing for the young couple to establish boundaries early on. Always enforce the open-door policy. When your child and a member of the opposite sex are alone in any room, the door should always be open. This will discourage inappropriate behavior. While certain boundaries are appropriate, do not be too restrictive. Oppressing your child will virtually guarantee rebellion later on. When establishing rules, always explain your reasoning behind them. Make sure to keep an open pathway of communication between you and your child. The more you discuss your child’s feelings and experiences when they’re younger, the more likely they will confide in you during their tumultuous adolescent years. While dating may be a healthy step toward your pre-teen’s understanding of relationships, it can also be dangerous. One of the biggest concerns surrounding dating is dating violence. We will be covering this issue in a future story, but in the meantime, be aware of the warning signs of an abusive relationship: falling grades, isolation, changes in mood, depression, denial of an abuser’s behavior and signs of physical injury. For more information, go to loveisrespect.org or contact the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 866.331.9474. Kaysie Ellingson, is an intern at OC Family magazine. Get in on the fun According to Irvine psychologist Dr. Kathleen Nickerson, “It’s very good to take an interest in what your kids like, to encourage healthy and appropriate engagement in such things.” Here are fun ways for you and your child to interact while sharing what excites her most: > You-Design-It tee for girls Help your daughter customize her own Jonas Brothers T-shirt with free personalization. You can choose from hundreds of graphics and dozens of styles and colors to make your Jonas Brothers tee one of a kind. disneyshopping.go.com > iCarly Submit a video for a chance to appear on Nickelodeon’s iCarly. Show off hidden talents or your child’s craziest moments, and send them to iCarly.com. > Dr. Phil taping Make a day of it and attend a live taping of the Dr. Phil Show in Hollywood. drphil.com > Find your celeb Contact your favorite celebrity, learn inside facts and link to her Web site. Visit teenmag.com and click on Celeb Stuff. |
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