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Middle Years (7-12)

Deal with bullies Bullying is more common than you think, and it can be a serious problem. Your child doesn’t have to be tormented. By Jay McGrawPublished: February, 2009

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At some point in your child’s life, he has encountered bullying. What is bullying? Bullying is defined as any type of insulting or threatening behavior that is aimed at someone perceived as physically or socially weaker or different than the perpetrator. There are several types of bullying: physical, verbal, relational and virtual.     Physical bullying involves the use or threat of violence to humiliate, manipulate, and/or frighten. Verbal bullying involves using words to attack or embarrass. With relational bullying, social status is used to victimize. Online bullying involves the use of Web sites, message boards and other Internet forums.     Bullying is always intentional and, unless it’s stopped, usually escalates. How do you identify bullying? And what should you do if it’s happening to your child? The bully’s method Bullies target those they see as weaker or different. Bullies are often considered popular and have larger groups of friends. In some cases, they come from a richer family or are part of elite social or athletic groups. Whatever the circumstances, a bully will try to convince your child that the bully is superior to him. They know what they’re doing Bullies do harm on purpose, with the intent to injure or embarrass. Yes, there are times when kids joke around, and sometimes people accidentally get hurt emotionally or physically.     One mean act doesn’t necessarily amount to bullying. True bullying is intentional and hurtful, and it is not okay. Repeat offenders Bullies don’t harass just once. They attack over and over, because they are always looking for ways to put their victims down, which makes them feel better about themselves. And in many cases, the severity continues to increase.     Bullies have been known to start with taunting. It often escalates to physical bullying that continues to worsen. Bullying even once is not okay. Bullies play to an audience Sometimes a bully will corner your child in an empty hallway, but generally, bullying is meant for others to see. Bullies don’t just want to prove their power over your child; they want to demonstrate it.   What to do Kids are often reluctant to talk to teachers and other faculty because they don’t want to be accused of squealing or they are afraid. Here are six reasons why teaming with the adults at school is a good idea:   1. The staff supervises Principals, teachers and aides must protect the students in their charge. They have been trained to handle certain situations, and most have significant experience dealing with taunting, harassment, verbal attacks and even physical abuse among students.   2. Teachers can set rules If there’s a problem with bullies at your school, principals and teachers need to strategize ways to stop it. One of the first steps is implementing a zero-tolerance policy for bullying. Student offenders should be seriously punished.     There are many programs, like the anti-bullying pledge, that can educate students about bullying. Staff can organize assemblies and classes to foster education to help reduce harassment. 3. Staff–student communication Some adults don’t believe that bullying happens. But kids see bullying going on around them and believe the adults aren’t doing enough to stop it. When in doubt, your child should talk to an adult.     The staff needs to know what’s going on. Don’t assume they know. Tell someone. If it isn’t resolved the first time, tell again.   4. Adults can work with other adults If kids at school are harassing your child, his principal and teachers can team up to help solve the problem. This might mean that teachers work together to put an end to gossip, or the principal works with the security chief to increase patrols.   5. Adults can inform your parents It may not be easy for your child to tell you that he is being picked on, or perhaps he thinks that you don’t understand the severity of the situation. He may get help from another adult to communicate to you what they’re experiencing.   6. Staff sets the tone Adults can send a very powerful message that bullying will not be tolerated. This isn’t easy. Expulsion, suspension or detention isn’t an automatic fix.     Programs that have shown positive results are such things as rewards for students who work together to stop bullying. There might be prizes or trips or other gifts for kids who help let it be known that bullying is not allowed.     Bullying should never be written off or excused as a “part of growing up.” It is up to all of us to make certain that bullies who intimidate, harass and abuse others are stopped and are no longer given a place of power over the life of your child.   Jay McGraw, the son of Dr. Phil McGraw, is the best-selling author of “Life Strategies for Dealing with Bullies” and “Life Strategies for Teens.” Back off! Kids, here are some ways to handle bullies, according to kidshealth.org: > Use the buddy system: Grab a friend and stay close. The bully will less likely bother you if you’re in a group. > Ignore it: Pretend like the bully isn’t even there and give no notice to what he or she may be saying or doing. > Stand up: Be confident and bold to show the bully you’re not scared. Much of the time, he will back down. > Don’t be a bully: Do not sink to their level. > Get help: Tell an adult what’s going on. It never hurts to ask for help. Ashley Eliot is an editorial assistant for OC Family magazine.

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