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Middle Years

Friends for life Tips to help your preteen develop ‘BFFs’ Adapted from Parents of PreteensPublished: April, 2008

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In a recent survey conducted by KidsHealth.org, friendships ranked among the top 8 preteen worries. In fact, nearly 1 out of 4 of the more than 1,100 kids interviewed reported that they worried about their friends almost all the time. No matter how many decades have passed since we parents roamed middle-school hallways ourselves, we all remember how important friends were during the tumultuous preteen years and beyond. Some things never change. Today, close friends are even assigned a special credential: BFF (best friend forever). Many experts say that the experience of developing and maintaining close friendships during the preteen years is an important bridge to maturity. Worried that your child isn’t clicking with a BFF yet? Here are a few tips to help them along: “Best-friend relationships are extremely important at this age. It’s part of their natural development, a step that needs to happen,” explains Dr. Jeanne Lichman, a clinical psychologist in private practice in the city of Orange. “The ability to feel connected to a best friend, have somebody you can tell all your inner feelings and thoughts to, and share wonderful experiences with, is setting the stage for how they’re going to function as an adult.” During elementary-school years, kids tend to collect friends who live in their neighborhood, are children of their parent’s friends or are on the same sports teams. But as they grow older, these “convenience” friendships may dwindle. At a recent parent orientation for middle school, Jeanine Hanrihan, a 6th grade counselor, urged parents to make sure they keep the line of communication open when this happens. “Talk to them every night, keep tabs on what’s going on – who they’re hanging out with – and eventually they will find others who they have something in common with,” she told parents. Lichman agrees. If you see your child drifting away from long-time friendships, encourage her to get involved in an activity she really likes. “I encouraged my own son to play an instrument, and he was immediately part of a ready-made social group,” she says. “As kids head to junior high, they’re starting to identify who they are and who they’re going to be, and they gravitate toward other kids who have the same interests – kids they’re comfortable with.” Of course, the similarities that draw kids together can often go unseen by parents. Things as arbitrary as a favorite song, style of dress, or simply sitting next to each other in a particular class can point the way toward new friendships. Say good-bye to playdates It’s important to also remember that the days of scheduling playdates for your child need to become a thing of the past. By middle school, kids need to take the lead when it comes to getting together with friends, otherwise parents run the risk of traveling that irreversible path toward embarrassing their kid. One exception might be scheduling a special day, like a Saturday afternoon fishing trip, which requires a little advance planning. If you’ve moved your preteen to a new school mid-year, one way to jump-start a friendship is to ask a teacher or counselor to find your child a buddy. They should be able to identify a fellow student who they think would get along with your child and could introduce them to other students, suggests Lichman. Finally, one of the best ways to teach your child about friendships is to be a good model, yourself. Being able to see you interacting with friends in a respectful, caring and trusting manner can be the best way to help your child understand what goes into healthy friendships. Adapted from Parents of Preteens, a pamphlet from the Cooperative Extension Service at the University of Maryland. --- SIDE BAR --- How can you help your child make friends? >> Encourage her to make friends with those who share similar interests. >> Ask him to invite new friends over or join your family on a trip. >> Accept your child’s friends who might be “different.” >> Make an effort to meet the parents of your daughter’s friends. >> Allow your son to do things with his friends away from home. >> Get together with your own friends who also have preteen children. >> Talk to your child about her friends, and what to do about those who may not be “right” for her.

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