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If you're the parent of a tween, it's not unusual to feel like you're living with more than one child. One minute, your 12-year-old daughter is hugging a stuffed animal and telling you how much she loves you. Then an hour later she's listening to ear-splitting shock rock and wanting to shop for midriff-bearing tops and low-slung hip-huggers. "During these tween years, it can feel like some alien force has taken hold of your child, causing this to be one of the most frustrating and challenging times for parents," says Dr. Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based psychotherapist, author and lecturer. Murray, however, is quick to point out that this behavior is entirely normal and indicates that a child is making a healthy transition into the teen years. The primary developmental tasks of tweens are to begin separating from their parents and to start forging their own sense of identity. During this process, they experience doubt, confusion and angst, not to mention surging hormones. All of this contributes to the changing relationships with their parents. "The important thing for parents is to let them go through this process at their own pace while still insisting that they follow certain rules," says Murray. Parents should explain to their child that they love them and that these rules are for their safety, health and well-being. One of the challenges is that most tweens have a difficult time distinguishing between rights and privileges. They feel that since they're older, they have certain rights, such as instant messaging their friends into the wee hours, listening to music with raunchy lyrics, or going to the mall by themselves. This is an excellent opportunity for parents to explain the differences between rights and privileges. "It's important to do this now since it provides the groundwork for the teenage years when kids don't want to have any rules," says Murray. It's best to use as few rules as possible but make sure that they are strictly enforced. Allowing inconsistencies in terms of curfew times or homework requirements can be detrimental since tweens will expect that these rules are designed for bending. Experts also stress that parents need to be on the same page regarding rules for tweens. "Many children nowadays live in two different households because of divorce, and it becomes confusing when their parents maintain different rules, pitting one against the other," says Murray. "Even if you don't always see eye to eye with the child's other parent, it's essential that you agree to apply the same rules to your child." As tweens seem to yo-yo back and forth between childhood and adolescence, parents also need to accept their newfound independence. It becomes counter-productive if a parent holds on too tight, feeling personally slighted by their tween's need for greater autonomy. "Hopefully, they won't say, 'I hate your guts,' but if they do, they don't mean it," says Murray, "and if they want you to drop them off at the mall and pretend they don't have parents, this is all very normal." Today's popular culture also greatly influences a tween's behavior. Many of the messages they receive from the media are highly sexualized, graphically violent and in many instances demeaning to women. "These kids may seem very worldly, but we need to ask ourselves: Do we want a 12-year-old, who lacks knowledge, experience and life's perspectives, to receive an influx of negative messages, particularly when they don't know what to do with this information?" asks Murray. One of the best things a parent can do at this stage is to limit the amount of negative media stimulation their child is receiving. Parents should also watch some of their child's favorite television programs or listen to the lyrics of their music CDs. Many youngsters state that they don't really listen to the lyrics of these songs and that they're most interested in the sound of the music, but a recent survey found that not only do young teenagers listen to four or five hours of music (including music videos) a day, but they also understand 90% of the lyrics. When Murray gives formal presentations to middle-school parents, she often tapes MTV at 6:45 a.m. to show them what many of their children are listening to as they get dressed for school or eat breakfast. "They're usually shocked by what they see," Murray says. Although tweens may act and sound mature at times, they still need a tremendous amount of supervision. In fact, Murray believes they need as much guidance as they did when they were 3 years old. A recent cover story in Time magazine provided an overview of the teenage brain and the consensus among researchers is that a child's brain does not stop developing until they're 25. Since tweens are only halfway through this process, how can we expect them to make good decisions without our guidance? Despite the challenges in raising tweens today, knowing that your child still needs you is something to relish. Therefore, it's best not to jeopardize this relationship by imposing too many rules. "Everything can be a battle with children this age, so it's important to choose your battles wisely," says Murray. "If your child wants a second hole in their ear, you have to decide if that's a battle you want to have. After all, it's a pretty harmless way for them to express themselves compared to having them experiment with more dangerous behaviors." For more information on Dr. Jill Murray, visit her website at www.drjillmurray.com. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. For Letters: ocfamily.com |
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