EVERYTHING
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Middle Years
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Sooner or later, you're going to have to talk to your kids about sex. The racing hearts and sweaty palms...and that's just what parents go through trying to gear up for it. A recent Harris Poll confirms our discomfort with the subject, reporting that only 4% of parents are the primary sexual educator for their children. But for Leslie Dixon, talking about sex is not only easy and comfortable, it's her life's work. Dixon is founder and executive director of The Birds and Bees Connection, a Laguna Hills-based organization that teaches parents and children, together, about sexuality and puberty in a fun and relaxed environment. Dixon, a nurse and career sexual health educator, offers a number of age-appropriate courses in sexuality to individual families and groups, such as schools, Boy and Girl Scout troops, church groups and athletic organizations. I recently attended her "Puber-Tea" class with my 10-year-old, where we openly discussed menstruation and other physical changes that my daughter will soon be experiencing. It was invaluable and I felt that much closer to my daughter afterward. While having "The Talk" can be an awkward experience for parents and children, with Dixon's help, it can be an informative and memorable rite of passage. Dixon shares some of her insight: Why is it so hard for parents to have "The Talk" with their kids? It's our own issues, first and foremost. Yes, it's very difficult to see our children as sexual beings. But it's our own discomforts, how we were raised. It's a paradox: Everything around us has a sexual connotation, yet we want everything to be pristine, virginal and safe. We live in 2 worlds, so I think parents hold on tighter and the world around us is spinning in a very different direction. My oldest daughter still believes in Santa. How could I possibly discuss intercourse with her? Instead of leaping to what happens in bed, there's a natural progression. There are simple ways to start the conversation. There are programs, like ours, and a tremendous amount of books, but I'm not sure how many parents read and discuss them with their kids. There's a blockage, a fear. When there's a fear, we go into paralysis and don't know what to do, so we do nothing. What's behind that fear? Concern about how the child will react. Are we going to say the right thing or the wrong thing that will harm or scare them? Usually, parents haven't been educated enough so they're not prepared to be educators. In our classes, we always ask: "How did you learn about sex?" Ninety-five percent of parents say, "I didn't." So how can we expect anything more from parents if they weren't given the right tools to begin with? Is it harder to talk to girls or boys about sex? Gender has nothing to do with it. I think we've made it that way. We say, "Well, boys are comfortable with their penises and for girls it's a mystery." It's mostly because mothers tend to feel it's a mystery. They're still not comfortable with that part of their body. At what age should parents start teaching kids about sex? At the beginning, from age zero. It isn't about sex. It's about healthy self-esteem and healthy body image. That's the first step of the foundation we're teaching - helping parents feel comfortable in their own skins so they can guide children in their first 5 years of major psychosexual development to make the next level a much healthier one. What can parents do in those first 5 years to help with sexual development? It starts with how you touch your child the first moment you hold her. Children, especially in the first year, need to be touched. That's their first part of connectedness to their own sexuality. It's how we touch them, talk to them, hold them, nurture them in that first year that's the biggest opening to how they start to feel about themselves sexually. My youngest daughter is 6. How can I nurture her sexuality now? It's more about her self-esteem, finding things in her life that make her feel good. What is she good at? It's that internal part that we're trying to build, then the comfort in their bodies. What are the advantages of discussing sexuality openly with children? When kids are comfortable with their sexuality, they're more willing to talk about other things. If they can talk to you about sex, which they know early on is a hot topic, there's not much they don't feel comfortable talking with you about. Is it awkward for boys to discuss sex with their mothers? Usually they're more comfortable talking with mom than dad. Sons have a very comfortable time in my classes. As a rule, it's the father who's uncomfortable. He doesn't know what to say. Mom is the communicator, but I prefer to have dad in class because it's the father and son who are going through it together. Do you think it's the school's place to teach children about sex? First, I think it's the parent's place. Then I think within healthy parameters, schools should teach certain things. Having taught sex education in schools for years, I always thought the biggest piece missing was the parent. Parents didn't want to deal with it, so the schools took it on. But it doesn't fit there. My goal is to empower parents as the primary sex educators for their children, and help them pass on their values and morals within the context of an ongoing conversation about sex, puberty and adolescence. Information: 949.215.7809 or log onto www.birdsnbeesconnection.com. Lynn Armitage is senior writer at Churm Publishing, Inc. |
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