EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Middle Years
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Changing jobs, moving out of the area or leaving a spouse are traumatic events that can turn your life upside down. Now try to imagine the reaction to these upheavals if your emotional quotient is that of a hormonally unbalanced preteen. New experiences can be especially difficult for children in the middle years who crave stability when their lives seem to be changing at record speed. Rapid physical growth as well as change in all areas of development (emotional, social and intellectual) are challenging enough. Family upheaval - of the minor to major sort - is something they have no control over. Yet in many cases, there is nothing a parent can do to prevent something that can drastically affect a child. "The good thing about having to deal with change in this age group is that parents are able to gain greater insight into their kids' emotions through communication, compared to younger children who may not be able to verbalize their feelings," says Bob Sklar, a Fullerton-based family therapist. That's why keeping communication lines open is particularly important during these transitions. "Listen to and affirm your child's feelings," says Sklar. If the change is a major upheaval such as a move or divorce, children need to be reassured that they played no part in causing this development. When children face smaller changes, such as starting middle school or moving across town, many parents make the mistake of trying to offer reassurance by dismissing their child's concerns, giving them a laundry list of why the change is beneficial. But convincing a child why he should be happy can be unproductive. According to Sklar, a better strategy is to help the child understand how he succeeded in the past in dealing with change. For example, if children are nervous about making friends in a new middle school, parents can remind them of past instances in which they felt alone but ended up meeting new friends. "When they begin to understand that they are capable of breaking down a problem into parts, they can begin to see how they will adjust to certain changes," he says. In making friends in a new environment, sometimes all it takes is encouraging your child to invite a friend over or to become involved in some after-school activity. Kim Rodgers of San Luis Obispo has made 2 major out-of-state moves in the past 5 years with 3 children. She stresses that when confronting change, keep kids busy with activities they enjoy. "When we moved here a year ago from Milwaukee, my son was entering 6th grade and I quickly found a tennis club for him because this is his favorite activity. It wasn't so hard for him to leave his friends when he realized he wasn't losing something that he was passionate about." She also believes that rituals, such as family dinners, provide stability and an opportunity for communication when times are uncertain. Rodgers believes that children who experience major changes such as moves become stronger and more independent. "When you don't have your old friends to fall back on, you are forced to meet new people, think of ways to become a friend and stand out from the crowd." In successfully handling these types of changes, children will gain self-confidence and be better prepared to handle future changes that may affect them in even greater ways. Finally, experts agree that preparing a child for new experiences will lessen their anxiety. Walking a child through a new neighborhood or school is one of the best ways to make them feel comfortable. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and 3 children. For Letters: ocfamily.com Books on change Children facing upheaval can find solace in reading books with characters who share their dilemma. The following books are suitable for ages 11 and up. • "The Quilt," by Gary Paulsen. A boy is sent to his grandmother's house while his mother works in a munitions factory during World War II. During his stay, he learns about family, love, loss and strength. (Wendy Lam Books) • "Tangerine," by Edward Bloor. A legally blind 7th-grade boy with clearer vision than most wins acceptance in a new school in Florida. (Scholastic, Inc.) • "The Star Fisher," by Laurence Yep. A Chinese-American family adjusts to a new home in West Virginia in 1927. (Puffin) • "Missing May," by Cynthia Rylant. This heartwarming Newbery Award winner is about a 7th-grade girl who experiences grief and recovery after her foster mother dies. (Orchard Books) - Compiled by Carol Daus |
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