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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Middle Years (7-12)
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And you ask... ...Will the tattling ever end? MMMoooommmmm! He changed the channel of the TV! He pushed me! He said my backpack is ugly! He called me a name! Sometimes the play-by-play goes on all afternoon around our house. For some strange reason, I thought it would wind down as the kids grew older. Instead, it’s not just hanging on, it’s thriving. What’s a parent to do? My mother-in-law, a schoolteacher for nearly 30 years, told me to simply ignore it. “I never responded to kids who tattled in my classroom,” she recalls calmly. Maybe it’s easier in the classroom, but at home I can’t seem to tune them out long enough to discourage them. If you are like me, you’re trying to teach them the benefits of getting along; the first step toward ending the tattling might actually involve opening ears rather than closing them. Many experts agree that the most effective way to get your children to stop tattling is by giving them the tools to solve disagreements on their own. Jinny Vroom, a second-grade teacher in the Sacramento area, says she deals with tattling by encouraging the children in her class to become their own advocates. “When a student comes to me and says so-and-so called me dumb, or so-and-so won’t let me play ball, I remind them that they have the power to say, ‘I’m not dumb,’ or decide that they don’t want to play ball anyway,” she says. For students who hesitate at the thought of speaking up, Vroom offers a little one-on-one roleplaying, a tactic parents can easily use at home. Another method Vroom uses in her classroom, which can be applied to a family setting as well, is the class meeting. In a group setting, she calls on students to discuss problems they’ve encountered (like tattling) and how they’ve handled it. During the meeting, other students are encouraged to share similar situations and their own suggestions. “They come up with some pretty good ideas on their own,” she says. “And they go away feeling very empowered.” Elizabeth Pantley offers several suggestions for dealing with tattlers in her book, “Perfect Parenting, Contemporary Books.” One point that she makes clear is that tattling behavior should not be rewarded. Considering that some kids tattle to gain a sense of control or seniority, she suggests that any reprimands or negative consequences that you might impress on the “wrongdoers” should not be witnessed by the tattler, because it only encourages continuation of the practice. Also, when you see or overhear a child resolve a problem on his own rather than tattling, make sure to offer lots of praise and encouragement. The way you respond to tattling also sends an important message that will cue children on how to react in the future. When one child comes tattling, don’t jump up and run into the other room like the Queen of Hearts shouting, “Off with their heads!” Instead, try to stay calm and neutral. Offer a comment to the tattler like, “I’m glad you know the rules,” says Pantley, and go deal with the offenders in a nonchalant manner. Another approach is to verbally summarize the situation with a comment like, “There are 15 plastic horses, a stable, and at least 20 accessories. I’m sure you can find a way to share these toys between the two of you.” Then let the children figure out the next step on their own. Don’t forget that humor can also be a parent’s best friend when it comes to lightening up a situation and downplaying a tattle. Try overreacting in a tone that can’t be mistaken for serious, while sprinkling your comments with a few of your kid’s choice words, like “wicked,” or “sick.” There’s nothing sillier in kid’s eyes than parents trying to act cool, and the result will likely make the tattler feel silly them self too. While tattling tends to wane in the school environment by third grade, it may hang on longer on the homefront. Be patient. Eventually your kids will get the message. Lori Jordan of Folsom says she hears her daughters, 9 and 12, threatening to tell on each other more often than she hears any actual tattling. “In the past year or so they’ve gotten to the point where they can work it out, and they don’t need me to solve their problems,“ she told me recently. I’m just not sure if I heard relief in her voice, or maybe just a touch of melancholy. Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor. |
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