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Middle Years
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Just the word “teenager” can make a person squirm. It creates images of raging hormones, pimply faces, rebellious attitudes and impulsive behavior. I still remember how my friends teased me when my kids were on the brink of becoming teenagers. One comment particularly stuck: “Buckle your seat belt; you’re in for a rough ride.” As the editor of this magazine was advised when he called a relative, who had older twins, upon learning that his wife would have twins: “It’s all easy until they’re 13.” After experiencing the bumps of this ride with two of my own children, I can now understand why so many adults fret about the stressful teen years. In fact, it wasn’t until my kids became teens that I fully appreciated the benefits of yoga and massages. But even though this can be a turbulent period, it can also be one of the most enriching and rewarding times for parents. If your child is closing in on the teen years, the following five tips from parenting experts will help you prepare for and cope in the years ahead: • Keep communication channels open. When Mimi Doe, author of “Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul” (Perigee), conducted an online survey, she found the No. 1 thing that teens wished their parents did differently was to “listen to them more often.” Yet as children become teenagers and achieve more independence, it’s not unusual for parents to actually communicate less with them. This occurs because many teens tend to start pulling away from their parents and rely more on their friends for advice and support. Many parents also make the mistake of turning potential heart-to-heart talks into one-sided lectures. According to Doe, “Teens don’t want their parents to only give them advice or solutions to their problems, but instead simply want to be heard and respected.” • Know your child’s friends (and their parents, if possible). This is particularly challenging when your child becomes friends with teenagers who are unfamiliar to you. Yet friends have an enormous impact on children as they enter the teen years, so parents need to make a concerted effort to get to know these individuals. Experts agree that one of the best ways to do this is to include your child’s friends in your own family activities and make an effort to know and appreciate them. Don’t be afraid to let your child’s friends congregate at your house. Offering them a place to hang (with ample privacy and refreshments) will help you get to know their friends. • Encourage your child to stay active with a hobby or activity. Regardless of whether a teen stays involved with a sport, plays in a garage band, or is part of a scouting organization, it is critical for teenagers to select an after-school activity that gives them a sense of belonging and promotes self-esteem. Teens who have hobbies and interests usually won’t be as quick to engage in negative behavior. Pouring energy into a fun activity is also an excellent stress-buster for teens dealing with challenging classes, SAT tests, and the overall frustrations of being an adolescent. • Choose your battles wisely. Since teenagers tend to question rules enforced by parents, it’s important that you formally establish only several of the most important rules and then make sure that they are properly enforced. Dr. Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based psychotherapist, author and lecturer, stresses that if parents say no to everything, this actually inhibits their job as enforcers. “Everything can be a battle at this age if you let it be,” says Murray. She explains that it’s more effective to focus on just several areas that relate to your child’s safety and well-being. “If you child wants a certain hairstyle and you don’t approve, you have to decide if that’s a battle you want to have. After all, it may be a pretty harmless way for them to express themselves.” • Enjoy the ride! Teenagers do receive a lot of bad press, but Dr. Nancy Irwin, a Los Angeles-based therapist, believes much of this is completely undeserved. “Parents should positively affirm that the teen years will be an exciting challenge and should be proud of their child’s accomplishments as they move toward adulthood,” she says. As teens become more independent, it also means that parents will begin to experience more freedom, which is a welcome sight after years of packing school lunches and chauffeuring to and from after-school activities. Most teens also display boundless energy and enthusiasm, which makes them fun to be around. Parents who have raised teenagers tend to agree that these years go by faster than any other period of childhood. So rather than worry about this stage of life, parents should embrace the teen years. If you don’t, you’ll miss out on a special period of your child’s life. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. For Letters: ocfamily.com |
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