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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Middle Years
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When I was young, I'd come home from school to a neat house and after awhile would enjoy the aroma of my mother's homemade evening meal simmering on the stove. Whether you call it an episode straight out of "Leave it to Beaver" or a feminist's nightmare, my childhood was much different than my children's because my mother was a full-time stay-at-home mom. I had only one classmate who could have been labeled a latch-key kid. Times have drastically changed. Two-career couples, demanding work schedules, odd-hour jobs and long commutes have forced many parents to leave the brunt of day-to-day household chores to children. Many come home not only to homework but also to household responsibilities, such as watching younger siblings or starting dinner. While helping out with these activities can make life easier on the family, is it too much to ask children in the middle years to take on these tasks? If so, how can parents set realistic expectations and determine how much responsibility their child can handle? Bunni Tobias, a Lake Forest-based educational psychologist, believes that the amount of responsibility a child should have in the middle years is predicated on how much responsibility the child has had up until this age. "If a child got off to a late start in being granted certain responsibilities, they are usually not developmentally ready to handle the same tasks that other, more mature children are capable of handling," she says. Tobias also stresses that just because a child has become a preteen does not mean she should be given household jobs that could be potentially dangerous, such as cooking alone or watching an infant or toddler for a long period. To prepare children in the middle years for various responsibilities, Tobias believes one of the best methods involves "cueing." Instead of constantly telling them to "do that, do this," the objective is to cue them with questions related to the task. For example, if parents would like a younger child to start setting the table each night, they should cue the child by telling them when dinner would be served and then discussing with them which tasks are necessary before putting food on the table, such as being sure there are enough seats and place settings. Or if a mother would like help with dinner before she arrives home from work, she could suggest to the child to figure out three things to have ready before she comes home. "When children have to be told every little step, they don't think creatively and independently," says Tobias. "By cueing the child, parents will help them visualize what they need to accomplish, which guides them through the process." Since every child matures at his or her own pace, it is also important to recognize that there is no magical age when children are suddenly ready for certain responsibilities. There are preteens at 12 who can handle a lot of responsibility and bravely face being home alone, while others at 13 still require much supervision. But regardless of your child's age and readiness for responsibility, Tobias stresses that all parents should let children have the opportunity to find tasks around the house on their own - and ones that they complete. "By successfully doing these things on their own and then sharing their accomplishments with their families, they achieve greater independence and self-esteem," she says. "They also should be allowed to move step by step through the process, from beginning to end, without interference from other family members." Although some parents are tempted to offer an allowance to help make their child more responsible, Tobias cautions that this is not effective if the child is irresponsible. "Children should not receive an allowance until they have a sense of responsibility. They have to understand the concept of cause and effect, and too many parents give their children something for nothing; they need to earn these rewards." If a child is constantly being irresponsible, Tobias advises parents to ask themselves why this behavior is occurring. Something could be upsetting the child or the inappropriate behavior may be reinforced by other factors such as peer pressure or conflicts within the home. "If a parent wants their child to be more responsible, they need to first encourage responsibility by spending time together," she says. Although this sounds simple, Tobias stresses that a sense of belonging and the right feedback will make a child feel she is a contributing member of the household. Editor's Note: Bunni Tobias, long a source for OC Family Magazine, died shortly after this interview. We will miss her and her contributions to family life. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. |
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