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When you ask your child a simple question “Can you please pick up your room?” does she jump up immediately and in a sincere and sweet tone respond, “Yes, right away mom. Sorry I didn’t do it earlier!” Or do you instead hear grunts, a sarcastic “whatever,” or maybe even catch some unabashedly obvious eye rolling as she sulks away. If the first scenario applies to you, even when your kids don’t want something from you, let’s just say I’m envious. But if you sometimes find yourself frustrated and hurt by the way your son or daughter responds to polite questions and comments, maybe it’s time to brush up on some tips for banishing back talk. Back talk can be anything from a rude response to a rolling of the eyes, explains Dr. Audrey Ricker, co-author of “Backtalk: 4 Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids” (Fireside 1998). “It’s something that’s meant to ding and wound, and it’s not necessarily just the content, but the body language and tone of voice as well.” At a time when TV parents are commonly portrayed as bumbling and naive and teens are the quick-witted manipulators, Ricker says it’s no surprise that back talk seems to have gained ground among today’s kids. And when you add music, video games and other pop culture sources to the mix, there seems to be a permissiveness towards rudeness. Children are getting the message that it’s “cute” to come up with one-liners that are put-downs. And while it might be easier to just turn the other cheek, it’s important to address disrespectful behavior in children before it’s too late, she says. If your child is already sassy at 7 or 8, don’t be discouraged. In fact, many experts believe that back talk can begin as soon as a child learns to speak as early as 2 years of age. (Of course, personality type, family dynamics, and other factors can also play a role.) The truth is, the younger you start work on ending this bad behavior, the easier it may be. The first step is simply recognizing the back talk when it is hurled at you. For a child in elementary school, back talk most likely takes the shape of put-downs like, “You’re so not cool,” “Why don’t you make as much money as so-and-so’s mom,” or even “Duh.” Even though these comments are meant to get a rise out of you, don’t concentrate on the message, and don’t spend time and energy denying the comments or becoming defensive. Instead, says Ricker, focus on coming up with a logical consequence and informing your child of it in a calm, non-vindictive manner. “A lot of parents tell me they don’t want to make their child unhappy,” says Ricker. “But that’s the point. That’s your leverage as a parent.” Even when a child appears not to be afraid of the consequence, Ricker urges parents to keep with it. “The child is testing you, showing that they don’t want to succumb to you having any authority in their life. If you give up, it proves to be true.” The final step in curbing back talk is disengaging from the struggle. In other words, once you’ve committed to the consequence, busy yourself with something else: cooking, reading, relaxing outside, any activity that distances you from your child, especially if they are trying to draw you into a confrontation by crying or screaming. At first you may find it difficult to crack down on your child’s back talk, especially if it occurs during a visit with indulgent grandparents, or on a trip to the shopping mall with friends. But consequences like cutting a visit short, or leaving the mall without buying anything will help the message hit home. “Remember, you’re socializing them to be successful later in life,” says Ricker. “They will be more successful, happier, and better able to regulate and soothe themselves and their moods. Kids who can’t do that are miserable and so are the people around them.” Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. Tips for ending the back talk • Don’t give second chances. You’re opening the door to a power struggle and giving them the upper hand right away. • Follow through with consequences. They may be unhappy or mad at you for a little while, but that’s the deterrent. • Don’t be intimidated by peer pressure. Just because your kid’s friends do it, doesn’t mean that it’s OK. • Always remember, you’re the boss. Do you have a smooth talker who feigns innocence, or tries to make you feel like you’re in the wrong? You’re not. • Think about your child’s future. You’re giving them tools for success by helping them become someone others want to be around. |
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