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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Middle Years (7-12)
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Where a child falls in the birthing lineup DOES matter As a parent, you probably have a pretty clear picture of your child. Is she a precocious redhead who loves to read and seems more at home in the pool than on dry land? Maybe your son can spend hours creating spaceships from tiny Legos and loves to talk about everything that happens at school each day. Or do you have one who’s always clowning around to get a laugh from the crowd, but able to swing like he’s in the big leagues when it comes to baseball practice? These are all obvious parts of your child’s identity, but another unseen factor, birth order, can also play a big role in the person they someday become. So how do you nurture talents and interests while working with traits that have already emerged as a result of family dynamics? Treat each child like the unique person they are, says Dr. Michael Conner, a licensed child psychologist and professor at Cal State Long Beach. “When we talk about identity it’s not a mystery,” says Conner. “Our kids reveal to us who they are and it’s our task to pay attention and reinforce that. Kids are individuals, and if you treat them all the same, you’re probably treating them all like the oldest.” Birth order research is not absolute. There are many complexities that come into play when gender differences, age gaps, or a loss of a sibling is considered. But often parents find that whether they have 1 child or 10, each shares a number of general personality traits attributed to their position in the family; first-born, middle child, baby or only child. And each one requires a unique approach to helping them develop their identity during the preteen years. Follow the leader First-born children are typically high achievers, leaders, perfectionists and responsible rule keepers, according to “Everything You Need to Know About Birth Order,” by Katherine Krohn. Even though oldest children tend to benefit from being faced with higher expectations and added responsibilities, some may feel bitterness about it. Show appreciation to your built-in babysitter or motivated student by setting aside special time for the 2 of you. “It’s harder for the older child, they have to do more sharing and giving,” agrees Conner. “That’s why I ask fathers to step up. If they’re not as involved with the infants or younger children, they need to be twice as involved with the older kids.” What else can you do to help your first-born recognize her strengths and individual traits? Give her the chance to play with older kids so she isn’t always the one in charge, and most importantly, don’t put her on a pedestal for younger siblings to admire – it can stir resentment among both. Managing the middle child It’s been documented that middle children often grow up to have careers managing or helping others, not a surprising choice for a group who’s often described as flexible, social, outgoing and peacemakers. But middle children also run the risk of getting lost in the shuffle, especially during the middle years when they’re still not sure of themselves. “Help these kids find something they can feel good about, something that’s just for them,” suggests Sheila Hedden, a licensed social worker at Venture Psychological in Irvine. “Whether it’s sports, theater or art, if you get them started in the middle years, they can take it in a positive direction.” Kids going into middle school who don’t have any successes under their belts are hesitant to try new activities, explains Hedden. “Everyone is unsure of themselves at that time, but if they feel they’re good at a couple of things, even if they’re a little self-conscious, at least they’re not afraid to try some things.” Stop babying the baby By the time the third or fourth one comes along, parents tend to be more relaxed. In fact, sometimes the baby of the family resorts to becoming the clown just to get attention. Other common traits include affectionate, outgoing and creative, but the antics of the “baby” may carry on well into the middle years, even when they are not appropriate. Difficulties at bedtime, goofing off at the dinner table, talking back, or whining to get out of something may be easier to ignore. But by doing so, parents are actually reinforcing the bad behavior. “If we don’t want our kids to act like jerks when they’re 14, we can’t let them be jerks at 6, 7 or 8,” says Conner. Help youngest children get the attention they need by not assuming they will participate in whatever activities their older siblings do, and make sure to have them contribute to the household by doing chores just like everyone else. Just be careful not to hold the bar too high. “Stop and ask yourself, what did I expect of my oldest at this age?” suggests Hedden. Flying solo Only children tend to share many traits with oldest children, but may be more demanding and attention-seeking. It’s great that they’re comfortable around other adults, but they’re still kids. Resist the temptation to talk to your only child about adult issues – that’s what friends are for. And even if it’s only 1 person to pick up after, let your child do his own cleaning. He needs opportunities to learn responsibility, too. No matter where your child falls in the pecking order, by the time they reach the middle years, parents should not be encouraging their kids to do things they are not really good at. “By 10 or 11, they figure out that all moms tell their kids they’re good at things, even when they’re not,” says Hedden. “Help them find their strengths and build on those strengths.” Birth-order theories have been around for nearly 100 years. Some experts believe that birth order influences self-esteem, the roles we take in life, how successful we are, and even who we marry. Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor to OC Family Magazine. |
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