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Middle Years
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Parents of middle-schoolers are suddenly thrust into a new and often scary world. Their once compliant and loving 10-year-old starts talking back, rolling his eyes and staying holed up in a bedroom like a hermit. His body starts to change and his friends seem more important to him than family members. Dr. Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based psychotherapist, likens this phase to toddlerhood when children start to appreciate independence. "You often see an 18-month-old running with a gleeful smile and arms stretched out like an airplane - all while trying to get away from Mom or Dad," says Murray. "But if you look closely, you notice that they're usually looking back to make sure they don't lose sight of their parents." Murray stresses that preteens, or "tweens," just like toddlers, crave freedom even though they still adore their parents. Achieving independence is one of the biggest goals for preteens, but also is one of the greatest sources of conflict between these children and their parents. With this is mind, Murray recommends the following five tips to help tweens make a smooth transition to adolescence and young adulthood. Understand what your child's job is The major action of children in the middle years is to begin to separate from their parents. As kids enter this phase, many are confused because they want independence, but still long for the closeness and security of their parents. This conflict, along with raging hormones, causes many tweens to feel out of control, which often makes them defiant and disrespectful. "Parents should not have to put up with inappropriate behavior, but they do need to understand where these feelings are coming from and why it is so important for their child to begin this separation process," notes Murray. Understand that from an emotional standpoint, boys and girls go through puberty differently. In this effort to separate, boys and girls act in very distinct ways. In general, boys tend to isolate themselves and start to resent demands. Some appear Neanderthal-like, grunting when asked a question while others become total space cadets, preoccupied with sexual thoughts. "When boys at this age start thinking this way, they try to put space between themselves and their moms, which concerns many mothers who were always used to their sons' cuddling and displays of affection," says Murray. As they begin to identify with men, boys also start appreciating their fathers more, or other male role models. Since girls value social bonds, they attempt to stay attached to their moms while trying to separate at the same time. "This creates a lot of head butting, because in their effort to stay connected, they fight," says Murray. Unlike boys, many girls start to drift apart from their dads, especially when their bodies start developing. According to Murray, some fathers will start to feel uncomfortable cuddling or wrestling with their daughters, which can be problematic for girls who still crave a father's affection. In fact, Murray notes that with some anorexic girls, losing weight and their figures are a conscious or unconscious wish to reconnect with their fathers by reclaiming their girl-like bodies. "At this stage, daughters really need their dads, or at least other strong male role models to affirm their identities as beautiful, capable young women." Encourage your child to take up a hobby or activity Regardless of whether a child stays involved with a sport, plays in a band or is part of a Scouting organization, it is critical for tweens to select an after-school activity that promotes self-esteem and gives them a sense of belonging. A child who has hobbies and interests usually won't be as quick to engage in negative behavior. Experts also agree that pouring energy into an activity is an excellent stress-buster for preteens with pre-pubescent frustrations. Know your child's friends (and their parents) This becomes a challenge as children enter middle school and suddenly start hanging out with friends who are unfamiliar to you. Murray stresses that parents should make a concerted effort to become acquainted with the parents of their child's friends, whether it's getting together for a cup of coffee or spending time talking the next time you bring your child to their house. This gives parents the opportunity to discuss their family's values and approach to supervision. "If you have a rule that your child cannot watch R-rated videos, you should tell the parent and explain that when your child is at their house, they are not allowed to watch these movies," says Murray. Parents also need to know with whom their child communicates to regularly online and should ask which friends are on a "buddy list." Mind the media Tweens are exposed to media messages that tout sex, violence and hatred. MTV's own studies have revealed that 75 percent of its music videos are highly sexual in nature. If parents completely ban these types of programs, they generally become more desirable to teens. Instead, Murray believes that by watching certain television shows together with their child, they can use it as an opportunity for initiating discussion about morals. "A parent could say, 'Wow, do you know anyone who dresses like that?', or, 'What would you think of somebody who wore that?'" Parents should listen to songs together with their preteens. Although many kids are attracted to the driving beat of rap and other forms of music, many of the lyrics and underlying messages promote violence and demean women. Parents should seize every opportunity possible to discuss with their child the offensive nature of these songs. Carol Daus is a freelance writer. She can be reached at cdauswrite@socal.rr.com. Dr. Jill Murray has a private practice in Laguna Niguel and is the author of many books, including "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships." She can be reached at www.drjillmurray.com. |
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