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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Middle Years
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When little Frankie was prompted by his father to shake hands as he was introduced to a relative, the precocious young man replied, “I’ll shake this!” and proceeded to grab the new acquaintance in the crotch and burst out in peels of laughter. In fact, it was a challenge for everyone else, excluding the “victim,” not to do the same. As Frankie’s parents learned, teaching a 5-year-old anything more than “please” and “thank you” can sometimes backfire. But by the time your child reaches the ripe age of 7, he’s ready to learn and demonstrate proper etiquette at every opportunity, and a handshake is just one of the details that shouldn’t be overlooked. A confident, firm handshake is key to a proper introduction, says Naomi Polson, owner of The Etiquette School in Dana Point. And according to her, introductions are a telltale sign of good manners. Even though the “rules” for introductions haven’t changed since most parents learned them ourselves, few children seem to know how to act or respond during a simple introduction, looking surprised or dumbfounded when offered a handshake. “When you meet someone you shake their hand, it’s as simple as that,” says Polson. “But when was the last time you saw a child offer a handshake during an introduction?” Another common mistake many of today’s parents make is introducing adults to their children by first name, rather than using titles like Mr. and Mrs. “Because of the age differential, children should always address adults as Mr. and Mrs.,” explains Polson. “Some parents try to bring the adult down to the child’s level by using first names, but how can a child respect an adult if we’re all on the same level?” Diane Diehl of Irvine, well-known for the “Petite Protocol” classes she offers 7- to 12-year-olds at the Bel Air Hotel near Beverly Hills, describes proper introductions as an “art.” In addition to handshakes and poise, she reviews the three basic rules of introduction with her students: the gender rule that requires that women be introduced first, the age rule that respects elders by introducing them first, and the rule of authority that gives priority to public figures. “The undercurrent of all manners is simply to have respect for yourself and your fellow human beings. That’s what is behind all the rules and traditions,” says Diehl. In her classes, students role play different scenarios on their way to mastering introductions, something that parents can easily do at home with their own children. Practice, suggests Diehl, and then take advantage of “back to school nights,” parties and other gatherings to put your child’s new skills to the test. Wondering about some of the other rules of etiquette that haven’t gone out of style? Polson says phone manners are still at the top of the list and easy to teach. When it comes to the phone, her rule of thumb is short and simple; if a child isn’t old enough to write down a message, he isn’t old enough to answer the phone. Shouting “it’s for you” to someone in another room is never acceptable. Despite the introduction of telephones, camera phones and computer technology, there is still no substitute for a handwritten thank you note in response to a gift. Both Polson and Diehl agree that as soon as a child can write they should take the time to thank friends and relatives through a short personal note. A proper thank you mentions a gift specifically, includes a detail about the gift, and describes how it will be put to use, says Polson. Everyone who takes the time to send a gift should receive a thank-you note too, especially grandparents, who tend to be overlooked most often. Even if your child is computer proficient, e-mail is not an acceptable form of correspondence when it comes to thank-yous. “I tell the families I work with that good manners have to be a part of you, not just a show you put on when needed,” says Polson. “Parents need to enforce them at home because children won’t do it unless it’s expected of them, and good manners should always be expected.” Etiquette may seem like a small issue to tackle amidst all the growing up children do during the middle years, but if you wait until the teen years it may be too late, say Polson and Diehl. There will come a day when you’ll both see the value of your efforts as your child sails through what could have been an awkward social situation or succeeds at a job interview. When good manners come naturally it’s one less thing for you both to worry about. Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. |
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