EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Middle Years
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At age 5, a girl would be considered cute if she hid behind her mother or looked down toward the floor when greeted by a stranger. At 10, this same behavior would be considered inappropriate. Although the reaction in the older child demonstrates extreme shyness, it's important to note that one in three people are introverts, including former President Jimmy Carter, NBA star Michael Jordan and writer T.S. Eliot. Science shows that introverted people have a specific brain activity that persists from infancy to adulthood. If children show a predisposition to shyness, can parents do anything to help them become more outgoing? Dr. Alyson Emmons, a Huntington Beach-based clinical psychologist who treats both adults and children for extreme shyness and anxiety disorders, stresses that the key is for parents to help their child learn how to control their shyness instead of letting their shyness control them. Shyness is a reaction to fears or anxieties brought on by unfamiliar situations or when interacting with others. Specifically, it causes people to be overly concerned about the social evaluation of them by others. Humiliation and rejection are usually their biggest fears. Most people experience occasional shyness in certain situations, but the severely shy child always feels this way - whether it's getting to know a new friend in the neighborhood or raising a hand in the classroom. Emmons stresses that learning to manage shyness is an important goal in the middle years because it can limit social interaction, cause feelings of loneliness and negatively affect school performance. "Shyness makes it difficult for children to participate in class or ask for help from a teacher, and in today's overcrowded, busy classrooms, a child needs to be assertive," she says. One of the problems, she points out, is that parents do not always try to help their child manage shyness at an earlier age; eventually it becomes a more difficult problem when the child heads to middle school. "A lot of parents think their child will simply outgrow this behavior, but it doesn't always happen," she says. Experts agree that the worst thing a parent, caregiver or teacher can do is to label a child as shy. Children, as well as adults, sometimes live up to the labels others give them. "When children are labeled shy for many years, they often end up being shy throughout their lives because this becomes their own perceived identity." It becomes critical to help a child transform this shyness from an all-emcompassing condition into a situational reaction. Some parents are slow to address shyness in their children because they believe their quiet child is actually easier to manage than more extroverted children. Shyness is typically associated with positive behaviors, including good conduct in the classroom and strong listening skills. "What happens, though, is that when these 'good' kids are put in social situations, their parents become angry when they are not meeting certain expectations such as making eye contact and conversation with other people," says Emmons. Another problem is that since many shy children are fearful and lack self-confidence, they suffer from low self-esteem, which in turn affects their social skills, causing greater withdrawal. This is a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break. These reactions can develop into deep-seated conflicts that can affect them into adulthood. To help their child cope with shyness, parents can play an influential role. Since many shy children have low self-esteem, Emmons recommends that parents focus on their positive traits and praise them for specific skills they have mastered. Mom and Dad should serve as role models by being outgoing themselves. But at the same time, it can be helpful for a parent to share challenging social incidents in their lives, explaining how they overcame shyness. Parents should also encourage social situations by suggesting that a new playmate come visit for a short period of time. The key is to take incremental steps, since most introverted children feel anxious when social encounters are forced upon them. The first step may be to say "hello" to a new friend at school; the second would be to strike up a conversation with them; the third step would be to arrange a play date. A shy child should also be praised when she successfully handles unfamiliar situations or meets a new person without displaying shy behavior. In most cases, a parent's concern and input will go a long way in helping a child learn how to manage shyness. However, if a child becomes extremely withdrawn and fearful, does not want to go to school or displays specific behaviors such as sleep disorders, a parent should obtain professional help. In many of these cases, shyness is just part of a much bigger problem such as depression or an anxiety disorder. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. Resources for shyness • Dr. Alyson Emmons, a Huntington Beach-based clinical psychologist, can be reached at 714.842.6567 or DrAlysonEmmons@aol.com. • www.shykids.com: Created by a mother whose child battled shyness for years, this website serves as a support group for both children and parents. • CHOC Information Line (714.289.4500, Ext. 8924): Children's Hospital of Orange County offers this free recorded information for parents with concerns about shyness. |
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