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It happens in a blink of an eye. One minute your darling child looks to you for advice, information and support. Then he turns into a preteen who feels he knows all the answers to life's most complicated issues. That same little boy who believed you when you explained why the sky is blue now seems to question everything. At times you may even feel he knows more than you do or at least more than you did at age 11. But even if your child has the ability to quickly identify Bahrain on a world map or can create his own website, wisdom and street smarts remain your domain. As schoolwork has become increasingly more complex and the media have exposed children to issues that used to be considered adult topics, many preteens appear much more sophisticated than in the past. The world of two working parents also has given many children a lot more independence than the old days when a mother was often home when her children returned from school. Don't worry. Although they may act like know-it-alls, preteens crave parental guidance and advice, according to experts. Child development professionals also agree that even the smartest and most mature children need guidelines and a firm "no" in many situations. Nancy Samalin, an internationally known speaker and best-selling author of parenting books (including her latest: "Loving Without Spoiling"), stresses that although many preteens think they are emotionally ready to handle adult-type activities, parents must limit pursuits that could be harmful. "One of the tough things about being a parent of preteens today is that you have to be a censor, and the media today have made this particularly difficult," she says. "Parents must accept the fact that there will be many times when they'll be unpopular with their child, and if a child feels this way, the parent is probably doing a good job." Susan Lahr of Laguna Hills struggles with these issues almost daily since her 12-year-old daughter likes to constantly remind her parents of her maturity and knowledge base. "She's always telling me that she's old enough to go to PG-13 movies, go to the mall with friends, wear certain clothes and makeup and stay up later," says Lahr. "At times I feel my entire relationship revolves around saying 'no' to her." Lahr's complaint is not uncommon among parents of preteens, since these children are constantly demanding more freedoms in their lives while looking for fewer parental intrusions. Samalin points out that this is an especially demanding time for parents because just as these preteens start pulling away from their parents due to feelings of increased independence, a constant barrage of perceived negative remarks from a mom or dad can make kids withdraw even more from them. "If you want to influence preteens and teenagers, you absolutely cannot preach to them," says Samalin. "Instead of stating what's wrong with a child's favorite TV show, watch it with them and discuss what might be considered inappropriate behavior by a specific character." She adds that casual talks in the car or conversations over backgammon are a couple of the best ways to communicate with your preteen. As children enter the preteen years, some parents accept their growing maturity by trying to be their best friend. We've all known somebody like this. I knew a mother who would let her daughter skip school frequently to go to Disneyland and would even take her to R-rated movies. On many occasions, she would encourage her daughter's friends who were spending the night to "toilet paper" certain boys' houses. Of course, all of the girl's friends, including my daughter, thought her mother was the coolest mom in town. Samalin stresses that this behavior can be harmful for kids. "After age 25, I would say your child can be your close friend, but up until that age, it's a parent's role to set examples - not to mention say 'no' and mean it." Although many preteens turn away from Mom or Dad because they think they can solve their own problems, most still look for support from their parents, even if they do not admit it to themselves. Ironically, this is also the time many parents start to assume they should spend less time with their children in order to encourage independence. Experts, however, agree that preteens and teenagers need as much or more time with their parents than younger children. Preadolescence is a difficult stage and strong involvement from parents will help their children make a smooth transition to adolescence and young adulthood. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. She can be reached at cdauswrite@socal.rr.com. |
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