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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Middle Years
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When my son was 5, he spent his days asking me questions. "Where do the stars go during the day?" "Why is there sand at the beach?" Many times I found these inquiries amusing and enjoyed coming up with answers, even though I knew they were not always right. Now that my son is 12, I've noticed that his questions are usually more complex and demand better answers. Most parents - regardless of their years of education or time spent in difficult jobs - find this stage challenging. Even my friend with a Ph.D. from Cal Tech doesn't feel she can always adequately answer her son's tough questions. But whether your child is a budding scientist asking questions about global warming or is simply inquisitive about your behavior when you were a teenager, experts agree that the best tactic is to be as truthful as possible. "Even though some children may accept simple and fantastic answers, it helps pave the way for future understanding if you find an easy explanation that is still correct," says Dr. Tay Sandoz a child psychologist in Irvine. While this may take more thought and effort, it is actually more reassuring than fantasy stories or lies and will pay off in the future when the child comes back with follow-up questions that can be answered using a previous discussion as a foundation." Before you immediately answer your child's tough question, ask him or her why they want information about this topic. "Listen to what's driving the question," suggests Sandoz. "If you can figure out why a child is focused on a particular question, you can formulate better responses that put the issue to rest." For example, take the question, "Can bears eat us on our campout?" According to Sandoz, it's a good idea to determine whether the question reflects the child's interest in bears, camp safety, the food chain, or simply forces beyond their control. "When a child asks something over and over again, think about whether the question reflects some hidden fear or concern that is not being directly communicated," he says. As children enter middle school, experts also stress that it is important for them on many occasions to conduct their own investigations. They should be encouraged to use reference materials, as well as teachers, mentors or spiritual counselors, to obtain information and come up with their own personal conclusions and beliefs. "Not only does this promote independent, critical thinking, it takes the pressure off you to come up with great answers," says Sandoz. According to Victoria Kindle Hodson, a Ventura-based educational psychologist and co-author of "Discover Your Child's Learning Style" (Prima Lifestyles Publishing), another important consideration is the way parents answer questions. "Parents need to convey the message that they are respectful of the seriousness of the question," she says. Hodson adds that it is also helpful to paraphrase the question by saying, "Let me see if I understand. It sounds like you need more information about..." Many parents mistakenly make assumptions about what their child wants to know and then launch into long explanations that don't address the real question. It can also be helpful to ask your child how much time she wants to spend talking about the topic. If they want a short answer, respect their wishes," says Hodson. One of the most important things in communicating with preteens is to avoid turning an answer into a lecture. On the other hand, it is also important to ask your child if you have sufficiently answered their question. In many instances, they may want more information but are reluctant to ask for elaboration. Some of the most difficult questions older preteens ask parents involve how they behaved as children or teenagers. Some aging Baby Boomers in particular find it troubling when their child asks them if they ever used marijuana or had pre-marital sex when they were young. Experts agree that parents should decide in advance what they want their children to know about past experiences. However, experimenting with alcohol and other drugs, as well as casual sexual relationships, carry even greater risks today than in the past. So, even if parents used alcohol or drugs when they were growing up, they can still take steps to make sure that their children understand the potential consequences. According to Hodson, simple, short and honest responses work best in answering these uncomfortable questions. "A good answer could be, 'Yes, I didn't listen to my parents because I thought I knew what I was doing, but it didn't turn out very well and I learned it was not a good thing to do. If I could go back to that time, I wouldn't do it again.'" However you decide to answer these types of questions, careful thought up front will ensure that your answer is in the best interests of your child. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. Letters: ocfamily.com |
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