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Diane Lyons remembers when her son was 14 and insisted on wearing an attention-grabbing hairstyle that included 4-inch sculpted spikes. At one point, he successfully begged her to let him dye his hair green. Lyons admits that even though she was opposed to these hairstyles and felt embarrassed at times when she was in public with him, she recognized that it was not worth pursuing a battle over something that was not harming anyone. Fullerton-based family counselor Bob Sklar agrees that styling hair is a safe way for preteens to express themselves. "Regardless of the hairstyle, it's gone in six weeks, compared to a tattoo or piercing that is permanent," he says. Sklar should know a thing or two about hair and kids. Not only is he the father of two grown sons who had their share of dye jobs and radical haircuts, he also has spent 30 years as a hair dresser and currently splits his time between counseling adolescents and styling hair in his Costa Mesa salon. He has watched fashion trends come and go but what remains constant is a preteen's obsession with hair. Sklar stresses that this preoccupation with hair and clothing is a normal developmental stage of children. "In many ways, it's what 2-year-olds go through," he notes. "As preteens recognize their independence and are focused on expressing their self, they start experimenting with their hair and clothes just as 2-year-olds start eating and doing things for themselves." As preteens attempt to express their own identities, many are at the same time mimicking other kids with whom they identify. "It's ironic that even though they're striving to be their own individual, they end up trying to look like a member of a social group, whether it's the jocks, surfers, skaters, or punkers." Although it's relatively harmless to wear one's hair a certain way, Sklar points out that parents need to understand what their children are trying to express. If they are dressing in a way that makes them look angry or depressed, parents should discuss with them why they have chosen to express themselves in that manner. "Sometimes it's as benign as wanting to look dangerous or resemble some rock singer, but it could be that they truly feel alienated and angry and that's when parents need to offer support and advice." This enhances communication and lets children know that their parents care about their feelings. Sklar notes that providing permission with boundaries is an important control strategy when faced with hair issues or other areas in which preteens demand certain rights or freedoms. The boundaries should gradually expand as the child is able to accept greater responsibilities. For example, if a boy wants to spike or grow out his hair, the parent should agree to let him do it gradually but with the caveat that the hairstyle will be evaluated periodically to make certain it is still acceptable. "Some kids act perfectly fine with a new hairstyle but there are others who may feel it gives them permission to act a certain way," says Sklar. Another strategy is that parents set up an agreement with their child, whereby the hair can be worn a certain way if other criteria are met, such as keeping good grades and doing household chores. Even though it's important for parents to allow their preteens to experiment with hair, Sklar stresses that some of these rules should not apply to younger children. "As a hairdresser, I've had parents bring in girls who are 8 or 9 for hair coloring and that's not age-appropriate," says Sklar. Social pressure and the media greatly influence many children's fashion choices. However, experts agree that parents should enforce guidelines based on the child's age. Another struggle for some parents is that their preteens may want to start going to a high-end salon, just like their friends. Sklar advises that if the child prefers this option, a parent should suggest that they pay for half of the cost of the hairstyle. "This arrangement is a good teaching device to help children understand about value and responsibility," he notes. After styling hair since the 1970s, nothing surprises Sklar when it comes to kids' tastes in hair fashion. He's seen everything from spikes, bold colors and Mohawks to buzz cuts and shaggy "surf" styles. Today's styles, however, seem to co-exist together, which means just about anything goes. The good news for many parents is that hair color and bleaching seem to be waning. If there's any reassurance for the parents of preteens who spend hours primping in front of a mirror, it's that this stage is often the first time their children are concerned about grooming. "This can be a great relief, especially if their child never used to care about their appearance." So in the end, Sklar's advice to parents is to relax, because this phase will soon pass, too. Many kids will eventually get tired of waking up 30 minutes early to style their hair and will understand that a bad hair day is not the end of the world. But until they do, be sure you stock up on plenty of styling gel and hairspray. Carol Daus lives in Huntington Beach with her husband, Tony, and three children - Amanda, 15, Michael, 13, and Zachary, 10. She is the author of "Past Imperfect: How Tracing Your Family Medical History Can Save Your Life (Santa Monica Press)" and is a regular contributor to this column She can be reached at cdauswrite@socal.rr.com. |
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