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Middle Years
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As the need to belong emerges with a vengeance during early adolescence, many middle-schoolers start casting aside their parents for friends. Although this can be traumatic for moms and dads, it's a completely normal developmental stage for children in the middle years. Sharon Belon of Huntington Beach knows this all too well. Her 13-year-old daughter used to love to shop or see movies with her. But after she started middle school, the preferred guests in these outings were friends. "In some ways I feel like I've been dumped," says Belon. "We used to be so close, but now she doesn't seem to want to spend much time with me." Dr. Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based child psychotherapist, reassures parents of preadolescents that this is not only natural, it's a necessary step as they start figuring out their identities. "Children at this age look to their friends to help them determine who they are, and since parents are so much older, their kids don't think it's possible for them to understand what they are feeling," Murray says. As children mature from elementary school into middle school, the nature of their friendships changes as well. When they are younger, they are attracted to those who enjoy similar activities and have the latest video games or toys. By middle school, they are attracted to groups with comparable interests and activities related to sports, music, dress and academics. "It becomes much more abstract and psychological and they become more selective in choosing friends," says Ken Rubin, Ph.D., a child development professor at the University of Maryland and author of "The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World - and Why it Matters for Their Success and Happiness" (Penguin 2002). "That's why it usually never works when Mom or Dad suggests they become friends with a particular individual." Many children in the middle years also are preoccupied with hanging out with the right person or group even though this is usually unproductive. "The most popular kid in school is not always the best type of friend for kids who want them to be their friends," says Rubin. "In fact, in many cases the popular kid ends up not being a good friend to anyone." Since middle school is a time when most youngsters grapple with emotional and identity issues, it's important that they find friends who are good listeners that they can trust and who give them a sense of security. Unlike elementary schoolchildren, whose mothers often actively seek out their child's friends and set up play dates, middle-schoolers end up making friends without their parents' assistance. Sometimes this works out fine because a child is attracted to others who have similar interests and personalities. However, this can also backfire when a son or daughter suddenly starts hanging out with someone who could be the devil-child. Murray points out that many of her patients' parents will discuss how they do not like their children's friends or clique. "Often, parents place the blame on other kids instead of their own child, who is responsible for attracting or choosing a particular friend," says Murray. If such a harmful relationship develops, Murray suggests that the parent have an honest conversation with their child to help determine why he has become friends with such an individual. Discussions about why he enjoys being with this person can shed some light on what purpose the relationship serves. By starting a dialogue, parents will end up helping a child forge his or her own identity rather than letting a destructive playmate take on this role. Specifically, a parent may need to bring up how this friendship is harmful, such as if it is prompting trouble at school. "It's much more effective for parents to present the reality of the situation and help them make good decisions rather than demanding that they cannot be friends," says Murray. Also, know the child's friends and their parents. "Parents must be sure that the friend their child is hanging out with has parents who share the same values and expectations that they do," she says. Another challenge for many parents is helping a shy child form friendships with appropriate kids. A common misconception for many parents is that their quiet child is unhappy because he has very few friends. Murray points out that some children do not need to have an entourage. In terms of being part of the in-crowd, she notes, "Parents need to ask themselves if this is their child's need or is actually their own need for their child to be popular." Rubin adds that most parents do not realize that not all kids have best friends with whom they can confide. Research has shown that of fifth- and sixth-graders, only two-thirds have a mutual best friend and of these children who have best friends, a significant number do not keep these friendships from the fall to the end of the school year. So whether your child is shy or extremely extroverted, it's important to know that middle school friendships do not always happen overnight. "Kids at this age are moving in and out of friendships," says Rubin, "and parents shouldn't overreact if their child seems to lack a close school friend." Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. When friendship gets difficult • Encourage preteens to take the initiative in becoming friends with new people or trying new activities. • Make your home an inviting place for your child's friends. (Respect their privacy, but supervise in a non-intrusive way.) • For shy children, become involved in school activities to meet parents of other students who could be appropriate friends. • Listen to your child's concerns, especially if they start refusing to go to school because of loneliness or bad friendships. (Consider professional help.) |
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