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Middle Years
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Make new friends, but keep the old one is silver and the other is gold... A sweet little song for after-school scout meetings, but you may find yourself singing another tune as your child grows older and friends become more influential than ever before. As kids approach middle school or junior high, suddenly it’s not just about encouraging friendships, it’s about encouraging your child to pursue the “right” ones. Undoubtedly your child will make both good choices and bad choices along the way. Some experts say that the key to helping your child learn from his mistakes is by empowering him to make his own choices. Here are a few tips for handling your difference of opinion: Calmly let your child know you are concerned about the friendship and identify any specific behaviors that worry you. For example, does the friend lie, treat others rudely, or talk back to adults? Review the household rules, as well as the consequences for any behavior that violates them. You may decide that your child can only hang out with this friend at school, not at either of your homes. Consider meeting with the parents of your child’s new friend. Encourage your child to pursue friendships with a variety of different people. Continue to plan family time and encourage your child to invite a friend along when appropriate. While we may not be happy with some of the friends our children select, or the amount of influence they wield, the ability to nurture and grow a friendship is a life skill that every child should learn. As early as age 7 parents can begin to guide their children toward selecting friendships that are right for them, says Dr. Linda Sonna, a child psychologist and author of “The Everything Tween Book.” “A lot of parents go wrong by trying to control their child’s relationships – trying to keep them away from troublesome peers,” explains Sonna. “But in the preteen years you really can’t control them anymore. If parents have always made all the decisions for them, they don’t know how to make good choices themselves.” Turn chaos into a learning opportunity, she suggests. “Take your child aside, review the rules and talk to him about being responsible for his guests. Helping him see that he can make decisions empowers your child to take control of his relationships.” Perhaps even more importantly, Sonna says parents should think ahead to what the repercussions of a similar problem might be down the road – in adolescence. In other words, if your elementary school-aged child can tell his friend “no” when faced with an opportunity to misbehave, when he’s older and the friend says, “let’s skip school,” or “let’s do drugs,” your child knows how to exert the same control in the relationship and make the right choices. Although you can hope that your child will find friends with similar interests and values through extracurricular activities, sports teams or even church, during the middle years the factors that draw some friends together can be quite arbitrary, says Sally Mallam of the Institute for the Study of Human Knowledge in Los Altos. Kids may initiate a friendship based on the way someone looks or even the music they listen to. That’s OK, says Mallam, as long as your child understands that is why they chose that particular friend. What do you do if your child befriends someone you really dislike? The first step is to open up the lines of communication, says Mallam, and invest a little time listening to what your child has to say about the relationship. Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. |
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