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Middle Years
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At first glance, some may think that middle school is little more than a time for first dances, frivolous note passing and hair obsessions. Child development experts, however, point out that this coming-of-age period is a crucial time as children develop patterns of behavior and attitudes that are carried over into high school and young adulthood. The consensus is that during these watershed years, parents need to pay more attention than ever to help their middle-schoolers achieve independence, a strong sense of identity and self-discipline - all of which are the building blocks of the middle years. Independence is one of the most important milestones for preteens. In elementary school, many children don't think twice about having their parents walk them to school, but suddenly in middle school many of these same kids don't want their parents taking one step onto the schoolyard. "Children at this age are very confused," notes Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based child psychotherapist. "They want to still have the closeness and security of their parents but also need to separate." It's for this reason parents must remain patient and give their children the space they need - within reason - to become more independent. With violence reported constantly in the media, it becomes difficult for many parents to stop coddling their children. To help them attain greater independence while still providing support, parents must keep communication channels open; this doesn't mean simple small talk or chore nagging. Linda Perlstein, education reporter for the Washington Post and author of "Not Much Just Chillin': The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers" (Farrar, Straus & Giroux), spent a year shadowing several middle-schoolers in Columbia, Md., and she discovered that even if they don't admit it freely to their parents, they want to have open conversations with them. "They want to tell their parents what's happening in their lives, but they don't want to hear overreaction or under-reaction," Perlstein says. "They want empathy from their parents, but not lectures." As preteens achieve greater independence, they also begin to attain a greater sense of identity, which becomes critical in promoting self-esteem. What many middle-schoolers yearn to be in terms of their own identity is something that their parents would not find acceptable. Murray explains that when middle-school girls have been asked which characteristics are important in being successful as a girl, they came up with the following responses: "pretty," "confident," "hang with the right guys and girls," "thin," "popular," and "athletic-but not overly muscular or big." Boys, on the other hand, believe that the best boys are "strong," "tough," "aggressive," "have a hot girlfriend," "funny," "athletic" and "confident." Murray points out that these perceptions can be harmful if they are acted out in an extreme manner. "Some kids will end up making mistakes by hurting other people or being pushed into behaviors that are not acceptable, such as drugs and alcohol," says Murray. A girl's obsession with being thin could lead to eating disorders. These are universal issues for many middle-schoolers, therefore parents need to take time to offer guidance to their children about these identity traits. "For example, if a boy thinks he should be aggressive, parents should encourage him to tone it down to become assertive instead," says Murray. "Being assertive is knowing what you want and being able to politely ask for it, while standing your ground, which is quite different than being aggressive." The middle years also are an important time for children to get involved in extracurricular activities, whether it involves sports, musical instruments, Scouts or volunteer work. They connect with other young adolescents as well as contribute to a positive self-identity. Michael Haas, associate professor of counseling and school psychology at Chapman University, however, cautions that many young people are overscheduled, leading to burnout and stress. "For many kids in the middle years, there's just not enough down time," says Haas. "Parents must make sure that their kids also have enough unstructured time." With increasing demands involving homework or extracurricular activities, self-discipline takes on a greater role in the middle years. Parents can help their children by encouraging them to take on tasks that involve increasing levels of skill and responsibility. In turn for their efforts, parents should show appreciation for their work as well as their accomplishments. Experts agree that the worst thing a parent can do is to do their child's homework. "If you were the parent who always wrote your child's papers or made their fourth-grade mission project out of sugar cubes, it's time to let you child be accountable for their own work," says Murray. She adds that parents also must stop arriving to the rescue when a homework assignment or lunch is left at home. She advises parents to let children know in advance that they will have one occasion each semester in which they can be bailed out for something they forgot. And deciding jointly which times are best for homework or practicing the piano is a better approach than demanding that these activities take place when you deem appropriate. The best advice experts give parents of middle-schoolers is to be attentive to their child's needs and concerns. Be there. Carol Daus of Huntington Beach is a freelance writer. To reach her: cdauswrite@socal.rr.com. |
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