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“Kids don’t have control over getting a trophy. They have control over how hard they practice, paying attention to the coach, and giving it their best effort.” - Dr. Linda Levine, an associate professor of psychology and social behavior at UC Irvine Johnny made the tie-breaking goal that clinched the game for his team. Mackenzie got an A on her latest proficiency test. And after his first tryout Alex got the call that he’d been drafted into the Triple-A Little League division. It may seem like these kids have all earned their bragging rights, but is it really OK for elementary school-aged kids to carry on about such achievements? Experts may agree that boasting is an important part of a young child’s development, but at what age does it change from being self-discovery to just plain bad manners? And what can parents do to help children enjoy their successes with the grace and humility that is appropriate? By the time kids reach 7 or 8, they’re capable of thinking about how what they say affects others, and they’re old enough to understand what bragging is, says Dr. Linda Levine, an associate professor of psychology and social behavior at UC Irvine. However, they may need a little help when it comes to verbalizing their own accomplishments with tact and being able to recognize the achievements of their peers. To curtail bragging when a child has a great day at the ballpark, or comes home with a trophy at the end of the season, parents should focus their praise on the efforts of their child, rather than the end results. So when your son says to his younger sibling, “I got a trophy, I’m a really good soccer player,” don’t say, “You won a trophy I’m so proud of you.”Instead, try something like, “You and your teammates really practiced hard this year and played well together.” This acknowledges the specific things your son did well during the season and encourages him to keep working at them. “Kids don’t have control over getting a trophy. They have control over how hard they practice, paying attention to the coach, and giving it their best effort,” explains Dr. Levine. “If they get praised for those things, they feel good and they want to go out there and do it again. They’re learning a lesson that will help them in the next situation.” Even when you have a child with extraordinary talent, bragging is a pitfall that can dampen any player’s victory. “Great scorers are not always great players,” writes Harry Sheehy in his book, “Raising a Team Player” (Storey Books, 2002). He urges parents to remind their children that in order to gain the respect of their peers, they need to be good teammates as well as good players, and it’s the parent’s responsibility to model this behavior. “When kids see their parents spreading the praise around they’ll do it, too,” agrees Levine. And the opportunities for parents don’t just present themselves at sporting events. She suggests that anytime you sit down to play a board game, build a model, or bake some cookies, point out the things that your child is doing well. Even if they’re losing the game, a sincere comment like, “That was a really good try” can be a simple but important example for learning. If you do catch your child bragging in front of others, wait until you can get them alone to discuss the situation. This way you can avoid drawing more attention to their faux pas and collaborate on how to handle themselves better in the future. Start by asking how they would feel if their classmate was bragging about earning an A on a test, then offer a few suggestions for a more diplomatic conversation starter such as, “I studied my spelling words all week and I knew them all.” Bragging about doing something well isn’t the only kind of behavior parents should be listening for. Becoming angry, showing sarcasm or belittling someone else’s achievements by saying things like, “I wasn’t really trying,” or “I let you win that time,” is just as bad, according to Ron Clark, a Disney Teacher of the Year and author of “The Essential 55” (Hyperion, 2003). In his book, he outlines what he considers to be the 55 most important rules a child can follow in order to be successful in life. His rule about bragging is No. 5. He encourages his students to stand back and let the performance do the talking - not their mouths. Of course, bragging is always easier to spot in other kids (and parents) than in our own families, so how will you know when you’ve put an end to it? Hopefully you’ll be paying attention because chances are you won’t hear a thing.m Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. For Letters: ocfamily.com and click on Feedback. |
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