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Breaking the cycle of domestic violence Nora Caldwell doesn’t worry if she’s running a little late getting home from work anymore. She’s no longer on edge when she makes dinner. And she doesn’t fret over the color of the dress she wears. But it wasn’t always that way for the mother of five – two biological daughters and three stepchildren. “There’s just no comparison,” she says as to what her homelife used to be like. “I feel safe. I’m comfortable and confident with who I am. That wasn’t the case then because I went through the whole thing of, ‘If I could only do this better...it wouldn’t be this way.’” Like many victims of domestic violence, Nora initially blamed herself for the situation she found herself in nearly 15 years ago. At times, things were good between her and her former husband. But then, more often when he drank, he tore her down with criticism and physical threats. Eventually, he acted upon those threats. Remorseful, he would beg for forgiveness and shower her with gifts. “I’ll never do it again,” he promised. But he did, over and over again. Thousands of other women, regardless of their economic status, race, religion and educational background, find themselves in this same situation each year. According to statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1-in-4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime. “Domestic violence doesn’t just happen to others. It can happen to anybody,” says Vivian Clecak, executive director of Irvine-based Human Options, a nonprofit agency that offers several resources to help victims of domestic violence. “And as long as there is domestic violence in our community, our community is not the healthy community we want it to be. “Even if you’ve never had it in your own family, it can touch you through your children’s friends or the people they date. So it is our community’s problem, it is not just somebody else out there.” Increased awareness Defined as an abuse by a spouse or other intimate partner, domestic violence involves a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person. The abuse ranges from intimidation though words and body language to physical harm that leads to death. The issue gained national attention following the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, the ex-wife of O.J. Simpson. Nicole was found murdered at her home in Los Angeles on June 12, 1994, along with her friend Ronald Goldman. Though Simpson was acquitted of these crimes in a criminal trail, he was found liable for the two deaths in a civil trial that followed. “I don’t know if we can ever eliminate domestic violence because it’s as old as civilization,” says Clecak. “But we are certainly educating people and giving people choices that they never knew they had.” In addition to hotlines, counseling and emergency shelter services, domestic violence agencies today are taking a more proactive approach. Elementary school-age children, for example, are being taught through puppets, posters and activities how to handle conflict in ways that do not hurt others. The violence prevention program, Hands Are Not For Hitting, is offered by Human Options and also teaches children how to manage their anger and how to find help if they are being hurt. And nearly 1,000 teens have been served this year as of June through Laura’s House. The nonprofit agency that provides domestic violence services to residents of south Orange County launched a prevention website for teens last June. The site is designed to assist teens that are seeking information on healthy relationships and how to get help if needed. Children, the double victims. Additional emphasis is also being placed today on children who live in abusive-filled households. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, children who witness domestic violence are more likely to have behavioral and physical health problems, including depression, anxiety and violence toward peers. They are also more likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs and alcohol and run away from home. “Oftentimes parents think because we don’t fight until after the children go to bed, they don’t realize that their verbal assaults can be heard through the bedroom,” says Anita Williams, a license and marriage therapist in San Bernardino. “They need to be aware that domestic violence is going to impact their children... even though they believe they’re keeping it hidden from them.” Sleeplessness, nightmares, bedwetting, poor grades, withdrawal, fighting at school or with siblings are among the signs Williams recommends parents watch for. These problems can be present while the child is living in or away from the home where the abuse occurred. Despite a better understanding today of domestic violence and issues surrounding it, Clecak believes the general public still has a tendency to blame the victim. “I think we have to realize that it’s not the victim’s fault, that it is a slow and subtle process like a frog in boiling water,” she says. “It takes a long time to realize she’s really in it and then she’s caught. She doesn’t know how to get out.” While it may not seem so at the time, there is hope as seen though women like Nora. Nora, along with her two daughters, left a life of trauma and terror 14 years ago. Today, she is remarried and helps other families as a board member at Human Options. For women who currently find themselves in a home marked by such things as punched walls, isolation from family and friends, shame, forced sex, rages, jealously and name calling, Nora offers this advice: “You’re not alone. There’s help out there. Just make the phone call like I did and ask some questions.” |
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