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First Years
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The other day, I was waiting in line to return something at the store when a precocious toddler and her pregnant mother caught my eye. The two were also stuck waiting and it didn't take long before the little girl got fidgety. She began standing up and grabbing her mother around the neck. Because she wasn't strapped in, every time she leaned forward the cart rolled. Each time the mom tried to re-seat the youngster she began to cry louder and louder, until after just a few attempts the mother gave up altogether. She was soon pushing the cart forward with her bulging stomach while desperately clinging to her squirrely daughter. Sound familiar? It's a situation many moms find themselves in at one time or another, but if handled properly, it doesn't have to become a routine occurrence. That little girl was using her temper to get her way, and it worked. A full-blown temper tan- trum won't be far behind. Temper tantrums are a developmental stage all children go through, beginning as early as 1 year and usually peaking by 3 years. Hence the well-known moniker "terrible twos." For a child, a tantrum is the most effective way of getting what they want, because they inevitably throw one when you are out in public and in a hurry, which puts the odds in their favor. The inability to express feelings through words can lead to a tantrum, while other toddlers use tantrums as a way of exerting control. Obviously, some children are more prone to these outbursts than others, but if you find yourself at the mercy of a screaming, flailing toddler any time soon, don't panic, just remember these tips from Michelle Kennedy, author of "Tantrums: 99 tips to bring you back from the end of your rope" (Barron's, 2003). Kennedy, a mother of four (with another one of the way), says that the key to handling temper tantrums is patience and a sense of humor. For example, with the little girl in the shopping cart, Kennedy suggests that the mother explain that the seat belt is a safety precaution and no matter how long or hard the little girl cried she was going to have to wear it. "There's no negotiation when it comes to safety," says Kennedy. "But you need to make that expectation of wearing a seat belt clear at every store you visit, otherwise the lines become blurred." Whether it's the rule of wearing a seat belt, or anything else, one of the best ways to prevent a temper tantrum while you are out and about with your toddler is to set expectations beforehand. For example, simply stating that you will not buy any candy or toys before you even enter the store reminds your child of the rules. More importantly, once you lay down the law, you have to stand by it, warns Kennedy. Once you say "no," you can't change your mind because if you do, they know they can always get what they want. If your child ignores the "rules" and starts screaming for candy at the checkout counter, don't think that a quick grab for the M&Ms will solve your problem. Even if all the other moms in the store seem to be standing around calmly with their own quiet toddlers, remember the only reason they seem so relaxed is because it's someone else's child throwing a fit. We've all been there. Try to forget about your red face and the aggravation that's slowly bubbling up inside of you, and whatever you do don't throw your own tantrum. If you have to, hold you child closely, take him to a quiet place and try to talk out the issue, (using your own words if necessary) to express your child's frustrations. "Some day your kid is going to flop down in the middle of a store and people are going to look at you," says Kennedy. "But if you get mad, you're just perpetuating the situation by giving them a lot of negative attention." No matter how difficult it becomes to say "no" for the 25th time, stick with it. Not only are you laying the groundwork for preventing future tantrums, but you're teaching your child an important life lesson he will have to learn sooner or later, and that is, you don't always get everything you want! My three children have each played starring roles at the checkout counter in their quest for candy or bubble gum. I've even had other moms coaching me from the sidelines, saying, "You're doing the right thing!" I've found that when I don't give in to those sad little faces, and brief pangs of guilt (am I depriving my child?), the moment passes quickly and we're all able to move on without anyone feeling slighted, especially since we all know the standing rule of not buying candy on a whim. Another helpful hint for eliminating tamper tantrums is simply making sure that your child is getting enough sleep, suggests Kennedy. A lot of new parents think they have to fill baby's every waking moment with fun and activities. But kids really need down time, too. You may not be able to force your toddler to take a nap, but you should at least encourage a quiet time when they can look at books or do something equally soothing. A lot of temper tantrums occur when children are overstimulated or their regular schedule is interrupted. So don't plan a last-minute errand during nap time and expect your child to handle it well. If possible, put it off for another time. "You have to expect that tantrums are going to happen," says Kennedy. "It's how you deal with them that sets the precedent for tantrums down the line, or keeps them from becoming a regular thing." And take it from me. If you see another mom at the mercy of her tantruming toddler, don't be afraid to offer a little verbal support, I'm sure she'll appreciate the backup! Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. For Letters: ocfamily.com |
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