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First Years
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Spoiled? It’s time to define the baby Some of the most obnoxious tidbits of advice a new parent receives in the first few months of his or her child’s life are cautions about spoiling the baby. “If you pick her up every time she cries, you’ll spoil her.” “You don’t want a spoiled baby, so let him cry it out.” “Well, that baby is just spoiled rotten!” Sound familiar? If you’re like me, you wanted to slug anyone who insinuates your parenting skills are lacking or that your 3-month-old is anything less than perfect. Instead of resorting to violence, you probably smiled and nodded and worried just a little that it was true: Your attentiveness might be doing your little one more harm than good. It’s one of many anxieties moms and dads must overcome before they start to trust their own instincts over the prattle of other people. According to attachment parenting guru, best-selling author and pediatrician Dr. William Sears, the idea that infants can be spoiled by overindulgent parents was popularized by “experts” in the early 20th century. Without being overly critical of our well-meaning forebears, it’s logical to understand how they thought rushing to the cries of a baby would reinforce his crying since it rewarded “bad” behavior with immediate attention. “It turns out that human behavior is a little more complicated than this,” counters Sears. Annoying as it can be for us grownups, crying is an infant’s only method of communication. He uses it to tell us when he is hungry, sleepy, grumpy and in need of a fresh diaper. Ignoring his cries for help just doesn’t feel right, and aside from how it feels, scientific studies have revealed that babies of parents who respond promptly to their cries grow up to be more independent and self-confident than children whose parents are less responsive in infancy. Sears reassures, “A child whose needs are met predictably and dependably does not have to whine and cry and worry about getting his parents to do what he needs.” Author and child development specialist Penelope Leach explains it this way in her book “Your Baby and Child,” “In order to become spoiled ... a child has to be able to want things as well as need them. He has to be able to see himself as a being who is separate from everyone else....A baby is none of these things. He feels a need and he expresses it. He is not intellectually capable of working out involved plans and ideas like, “Can I make her give me...?” “If I make enough fuss he will...?” “They let me do ... yesterday and I want to do it again today so I’ll...” Until your baby launches into his toddler years, it seems pretty improbable that your attentiveness will result in anything other than a healthy, well-adjusted child. That being said, you can’t and shouldn’t always jump when he says jump. Carrying a 25-pound, 13-month-old around all day isn’t good for you or him. He needs to stretch his little legs and his burgeoning sense of independence. It’s all right to expect your child to entertain himself while you fold clothes or answer a phone call. As your baby grows, he will benefit from learning that his needs and wants aren’t the only ones that matter. Babies have a way of wrapping us around their little fingers. Their soft skin, their smiles and their precious little baby noises make us commit acts of selflessness we once thought impossible. New parents sacrifice food, sleep and proper hygiene in order to see to it that their babies sleep soundly. I don’t think of it as spoiling; instead, I believe it’s part of God’s plan. We fall head over heels from the first moment we lay eyes on our screaming, crying progeny, and from then on, no act of love is too great. S. Danyelle Knight is a regular contributor. |
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